Dancing used to be a major part of my identity. It was something I could take pride in and feel good about because I could move around beautifully and confidently. It was also something I wanted to do when I was little but my mom never let me get lessons so when I saw it would count as a GE PE credit in college I jumped at it. I devoted so many hours to it and even put on performances. I was in love with it and still am...

I also have a disability. Someone attacked me through it and now I can no longer dance without getting pain in places it used to relieve it. I tried again for the first time in almost a year since the attack this week because I wanted to start feeling free again, unencumbered by my body... lose myself in music and feel at one with the universe again! I barely lasted 12 minutes... that is barely warmed up! I used to go for an hour or (often) more because it never hurt and I could stop when tired or needing to do something else! Now I hurt after 12 fucking minutes because I trusted someone I had a bad feeling about being too close to me...

I keep remembering their smile when they were setting up the situation... I knew I shouldn't have trusted them being near me but I did because we used to be friends... I was trying to work towards peace and stop having us argue since we had a project together but they just wanted to hurt me. Now I have lost most of the things that made life worth living for me. That is what is frustrating me right now.