Let me tell you about an employee of ours named Mark. Mark was a nice guy, but more importantly his father was the VP of our biggest competitor. Instead of working for him, Mark applied to join our firm, claiming he wanted to build his career on his own. I figured he had daddy issues, but who doesn't, and he seemed highly motivated.
Things started to change when his fathers company began construction of a new plant that, when fully operational, we couldn't compete with. One that would essentially blow us out of existence.
Mark had been with us for almost a year and knew all our secrets, so I was worried when he went to see his father to tour their new plant. His father ended up putting forth an amazing job offer: a huge salary increase with more responsibility; they would run the company together as father and son, under the guidance of a much older shareholder who had founded the company.
Thankfully Mark left a lot of money on the table and chose to stay with us in what was essentially a five finger discount. I was so happy I kissed him. Not like a brother sister kiss either, I'm pretty sure I felt his tongue in my mouth.
This is when the problems started. Mark takes one of the company vehicles and goes completely AWOL. After a couple of weeks Mark has the audacity to come back telling us that he had flunked out of some type of leadership camp, and in the process crashed his company car into a ditch.
The best part happened when I sat down with him to go over his insurance claim for the vehicle he damaged. He told me that he couldn't see anything in all the fog and he drove into a ditch. When I asked why he couldn't have driven it out himself, he just complained that it was too big and it couldn't be done. Turns out his camp instructor was nearby and ended up getting it out for a small fee. When I asked him how much it had cost, he replied "about tree fiddy." That's when I realized that Mark had been replaced by a 5000yr old creature from the Paleolithic era. I tried to call for help but I fell into his belly, where I'll find a new definition of pain and suffering as I'm slowly digested over a thousand years.