I think I’m getting suicidal again - but the way it manifests is different and not so direct anymore, but I realized it all is saying the same thing. Lately I’ve been accumulating more feelings of worthlessness and unimportance, like how I should say and talk less for a long time now - this was recently highlighted when a friend told me she’d only respond to the serious stuff I said. The comment made sense in the context she gave it but it stuck out to me since I’m dealing with that feeling, so I’ve been sharing and saying less. There’s more that adds to the general feeling but thats what most recently caused me to hide inside myself more. It’s just this downhill bout of depression and each time I have a down like this, it gets progressively worse but I know enough that it’s temporary, I’ll be uphill someday, and no one really cares enough about me to listen. It’s easier to not talk about it and let it eat away at me then explain these thoughts and emotions I have, when no one understands why it’s possible I can truly hate myself as much as I do. They can’t fathom it and explaining it is just frustrating and exhausting.

I want change as well, I want to do drastic things and start over, I want a purge, I want to get rid of everything I have, I don’t want to live. I want to shut off my thoughts and emotions, and I get lonely it’s so frustrating but it’s also easier just being alone then putting the effort in to build anything with anyone and maintain it when they could just drop off the face of the planet at any second - which I expect anyway and can’t even be bothered by it since I’ve already got one foot out the door, expecting things like that to happen in the first place. Everything is temporary and none of it matters to me anymore. What I say is more negative and whiny lately too and I hate that. I don’t think I bring anything of value and worth to conversations and relationships. I take up space. I don’t contribute to anything, I don’t amount to anything. I should’ve died so many times, I should have. I shouldn’t be here right now.