Several things could be happening so this might be all over, but, maybe people often seek challenges and chaos to feel alive because it’s what trauma taught them, or to relieve the boredom of a purposeless existence. Many are stuck at or simply prefer the surface. An INfJ, especially when healed, can be quite calm and very in tune with themselves. Not everyone knows how to connect with authenticity because they either haven’t uncovered it within themselves or because toxic people find you can’t be manipulated because you consistently choose peace over reacting to their antics. There’s a quote that I can’t remember exactly, but it basically says “you can only connect as deeply to someone as they’ve connected to themselves”.

There is also a level of being guarded I find with INFJ types, and it can come across as an air of superiority. You want to connect, but you also (usually secretly) question everything, including the actions/words of people you care about. Some may pick up on this and find it off-putting. Maybe it’s not entirely a distrust out of malicious intent or acting like you know better, but when your trust has been broken before and it’s coupled with your natural innate and intense curiosity about everything—you tend to crave more, to go even deeper, to obsessively find the core of the truth in behavior. And not many people can offer that or know how to respond because they don’t spend as much time in introspection as INFJs do. So you end up preoccupied and obsessing on your own, filling in the blanks for them.

I think there can be a distinct judgment you cast unconsciously on everyone. You undress people psychically and see where they stand; particularly, if they stand with you and your values. You don’t meet people where they are, they have to meet you where you are (or else, you make a permanent exit). It can turn off even the kindest of people, because they feel they can’t measure up and that you’re too morally invested to allow for their imperfections or nuances in the judgement of their overall character. You can be rather black and white, so focused on one or the other, completely overlooking the grays that can carry the most weight and reveal the most significance.

I say “you” but really, I’m projecting my own words to myself. But I hope in sharing these innermost personal insights, maybe there is something you can take away from it and it helps in some way.

I think to put it simply: we’re an extremely picky bunch, because we’ve been deeply hurt and created a core belief that overthinking to the point of sharpened intuition, will save us from additional pain somehow. Our ego thought it was possible to be superhuman/psychic, but we miss out on appreciating our humanity, therefore, we feel we can’t relate to most of them. We’ve lost touch to the reality that we too, are human, and all connected. No matter how alien we may feel.