Sounds like ur v considerate & trying to do the best. Trust urself & ur instincts. I wish there weren’t such overwhelming consensus that all parents in all kids’ lives is always the best route. Sometimes it just isn’t. But it took years for me to accept that. Eventually he made it easy:

Last we heard was indirect - kid’s father secretly emptied our magnificent kid’s bank account in March 2020. He was supposed to deposit $ every month; put in $100 one time. Forgot he was even on there. In 3/20, I’d just deposited my entire paycheck (& lost job soon after). Not a word (or a dollar) from him in many years.

That said, maybe u’ll find a good balance w birth mom after taking it very slow + managing kids’ expectations + building trust. I wish u & urs the v best & a happy healthy birth!

Also, OP, thanks for the post, sorry to h*jack