3. Whoah, dude

Whoah, dude

This is how I feel, but LSD is pretty well known for unearthing a lot of things about yourself that your psyche hides, and that definitely includes mental illness.

That being said I am so incredibly attuned to my brain and conciousness, especially since this bipolar crap started for me. I started taking lithium which was frightening, and some of the side effects aren't pleasant, but interestingly enough either the depression (which can cause hallucinations in extreme cases, which is akin to psychosis, and definitely bad) or the lithium has made my imagination WAY more active. More than it was as a kid. It's like I can "hear" voices in my head, and they have conversations, but the strange thing is I know I'm in 100% control the entire time.

I've searched everywhere to see if anyone including psychonauts have experienced anything like this and I haven't been successful. The worst part is I had a manic episode for the second time after being diagnosed, and I just started doing art. It was amazing, I'm not good or anything yet, but it opened up my mind even more. Just 5 minutes ago I came up with an idea for a concept art piece in an instant! Like, if I had the ability to put it to paper, it would have been really cool!

But the depression makes it literally impossible for me to actually practice. I sit there and can't think of what to draw, even though I have the ideas in my head. I won't know where to start, or I won't feel like it will look good if I draw it...

Long story short, I haven't even done psychadelics, but I'm trying to make the best of a really bad situation, and it's really incredible what your mind is capable of, especially when you're completely self aware of everything that's happening.

The coolest thing I think though? I could see my depression coming on. Like, if I closed my eyes and looked into my mind's eye or imagination or whatever, I could see it as a tangeable form of this black vitriolic horrific thing. Now, when I try and look at my imagination, I have to fight to keep these terrifyingly detailed faces and parts of faces like eyes staring at me from the dark of my vision to weird Zerg (as in Starcraft) like skinless bloody beasts from appearing. It's weird because those aren't things I'm afraid of or anything, either, but the faces are imposing, and the weird Zerg type things are disfigured and malformed and shit.

Anyway... yeah. I wish I could understand more about how my mind works with psychedelics and really explore, but I feel like it'd be like trying to take a nuclear warhead apart; I'd be afraid of blowing myself and the world apart by mistake.

TL;DR Psychonaut stuff. My mind is a fucked up place.

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