Our new foreign policy is to get in some experts and talk it out.

You're all getting evaluated for learning and social disorders.

Nap time is mandatory.

I lied about our foreign policy. Our real foreign policy is "keep your head down and wear beige".

The Department of Education's funding just went up by 900%

The new head of the DoE is a little old Irish nun that used to be a principal.

We will now deal with criminals by having them sit around and talk about their problems. Figure out why they wanted to hit that man. Figure out what can be done to stop them from hitting that man next time.

Did you do your English homework? It's now illegal to not do your English homework.

We need cleaner water. Someone clean up the water.

Our national song is now the theme song to Jeopardy.

It's illegal to not visit or call your mother once a week, unless you have a terrible mother in which case you will be assigned a new, better mother. Possibly her. Male mothers are also acceptable.

No one's allowed to have a higher angry bird score than her.