"It only messes up the lives of people who can't afford it, but I have no problem with that."

Your boyfriend overdosed and you fled/ may be wanted by law enforcement. You've thrown knives at people and harassed and abused a relative to suicide. Your own mother is crying and upset because of your actions. You have an eating disorder and an admitted drug problem. Your an adult whose uncle had to assume guardianship because of your inability to take care of yourself. You admit that you're scared and alone. And your only solution is to post on reddit asking for advice because you, presumably, have no one else in your life you can talk to. And you really don't think your life is messed up? What has to happen for you to consider your life messed up?

Let's say you keep using for two decades and you don't end up overdosing, developing other mental health condition (such as trauma responses when inevitably others abuse you due to vulnerabilities caused by your addiction), serious physical health concerns related to drug use, or end up pregnant, in jail, etc. After two decades you won't have money left, coping skills outside of substances, etc. You won't have friends (who aren't also addicts) or family that gives a fuck about you anymore. Your health will have completely deteriorated, you'll have no education or career prospects, and your ability to cope with pain will be severely limited. So basically your plan is to enjoy your high for 20 years, cross your fingers that things don't get worse (and they will), and then be a 38 year old with no home, friends, prospects and a number of psychological conditions and physical ramifications. And quite frankly, the way you're headed, that's the best outcome and probably something worse will happen first.

I get that you think you know yourself and your life best, but realize the path you're going down means that this moment, where you're at right now is likely going to be the best it'll ever get unless you take the help that is offered. Is that really what you want? To just keep going downhill from here? To look back on this moment as one of the best parts in your life?