i just... disagree. i've read it back a couple times now. maybe i just don't get it. it's not that i don't want to get it. maybe i'm not making my thoughts clear? maybe i'm just a piece of shit and i'm slowly learning that. i don't want to be a piece of shit. i'm trying to do the right thing. it's why i've posted here.

things like expecting her to look similar after a year of dating... i think the problem is the mentality. she's found (i think) the first committed relationship that she feels safe in (yes i see the irony) and i think she just thought she didn't have to try to earn my love anymore. and generally speaking, she doesn't. she doesn't have to be some fit beauty queen who works herself to death just for me. in fact, i don't want that. i want her to do it for her. and i want her to want to, too.

i still want to see effort. i still want her to want to be sexy for me. i want to see her to want to compromise and be agreeable instead of being quick to chop me down. i've loved that social ambition in her, so friendly and outgoing and wanting to impress. and when she doesn't look or act like she cares anymore, it hurts me a little. i don't think it's because she's less attractive but because she's lost that little spark that made her want to be better and it's manifested in different ways.

maybe this isn't any better. maybe it's still shitty. i don't think it is but i'm trying to be open-minded. i came here, in a stressed and emotional state, looking for a little bit of guidance from strangers online. maybe that's not the most genius thing either.

i want this to work with her. if i didn't, i would've already broken up with her. based on what you're saying, i should anyway (for her sake, not mine). and to think that most of this could be my fault actually would be kind of a blessing- at least i can control and fix that with clarity. so any help is appreciated. it's what this is for, after all.

but fuck me, it's hard to not respond negatively and ignorantly when you're replying to me with this attitude. even if i was the biggest piece of shit in the world, that's hardly the best way to break it to somebody.