I made this account for nofap. I just want to thank you. I needed to read this. I've always loved girls. I remember my first hug with a girl (went back in for a second one) it just felt right. I remember first kiss. First crush. I loved it. I loved it all. I loved thinking about my crush, thinking about kissing and what not. I miss it dude. I fucking miss that shit. I can't even get it up anymore. Im 19... Even if I see a hot girl on insta, if I watch porn, whatever it is, It rarely goes up by itself.
Little background. I started porn when I was 10. I used a pillow (my own personal pillow) and used a little opening to simulate a vagina. I would look at pictures of girls I liked. It was usually pop stars or actresses. I ventured into lesbians and stayed with that for a while. I liked the idea of girls kissing idk. Weirdly enough... My fantasies started changing into my crushes kissing. Whether it was my actual gf or just some girl I found hot... I would get off to the thought of them kissing another girl. I soon got scared my gf was actually gay and lying to me and that led to problems itself. I should have realized that it was porn causing this but my younger mind didn't catch on. Flash forward a few years and Im into trans stuff. I didn't start my "session" with trans. I usually would get turned on by some girl, go onto pornhub, watch different pornos and edge for a good 30 mins to 1 hour. Then would venture into trans and finish off. I felt so disgusted. After months of that I tried a gay porn using that same session tactic. The feeling after watching that was the worst Ive ever felt. SO much guilt. So much why the fuck am I doing this. I brushed it off at the time. It just so happens a friend of mine was trying to experiment and chose me to ask. He told me he would blow me and stuff and at first I said ok sure. I remember as soon as I jacked off later that night feeling this huge alarming feeling like WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO. I quickly messaged him and backed out of it. I never found guys to be attractive. I can say, for example, leonardo dicaprio is clearly good looking but the thought of engaging in a sexual or romantic way with him or any other guys is just a big no. That's never clicked for me. I've always known Im straight. Never questioned it ever until years and years of porn. So anyway now Im 19. Still struggling with this. I tried quitting 3 months ago and made it a week and then fell back. I escalated to lesbian porn again and clicked on a trans photo yesterday. I didn't get off to it but I knew I fucked up again. Im going to try to quit and get my life back together. I used to be in shape... Like good shape. I haven't worked out in over 6 months now. I used to make music (im a singer and guitarist)... haven't worked on any songs or practiced in months. I thought about suicide once. I would never do it but thats really how sad I am right now.
Sorry for this messy ass post. Thank you though really for your story. You're strong and you really are an inspiration. Im going to take all your advice and get my life back together. I have a gf right now who is worried sick because of my porn addiction. I love this girl and it saddens me that I can't even get hard sometimes or that I have to stop early because these porn thoughts cloud my mind. I can do this. Im going to do this.