Just got this from guy #2 via e-mail. I'm not sure what to feel. My immediate reaction is to want to make up. But, is this what manipulation/narcissism looks like? Is he trying to get back into a position of power?
Thoughts?
I wanted to send you this note in part to explain, and in part to apologize. The former I'm good at, the latter not so much.
I'm sorry if you feel victimized, that was pretty far from any intention I actually had.
I apologize that I can have a very hard time admitting to mistakes, especially in the moment. I take mistakes somewhat hard, and so I often try to rationalize them away whenever I can. Usually it's based on my assumptions prior to making whatever decision it was, which obviously seemed justified to me or else I wouldn't have made that decision, but that doesn't mean they, or the decision itself, were correct.
I'm sorry I don't always take criticism well. It may seem somewhat odd since I'm quite comfortable criticizing strangers, but I really don't like to criticize people I know or place blame on them for doing poorly. As a result when people I know criticize me I'm often caught a bit off guard and have a hard time not taking it personally, which doesn't always elicit the best reaction.
I'm sorry I can be pretty argumentative. I can think of few things that frustrate me more than when I feel I have a point and that it isn't getting across or being heard. That can lead me to take things significantly further than are necessary or helpful, especially if it's with someone else who has a similar inclination.
All these things added up definitely make me seem like a pretty terrible person, which is unfortunately how [mutual friend] sees me now. Of course those are a large portion of my negative attributes, which examined solely would make anyone look pretty bad.
Truthfully, I've never wound up in this situation with someone before, and it bothered me significantly. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I got here as it's not like those are new problems. I have some issues with trust and have a severe tendency to just keep things to myself, so the number of people who I'll confide in or actually talk to about problems tends to be either zero or one, and what I eventually realized is that I really don't think someone else would have even been able to get the same response from me. The problem wasn't what was being said, it was who was saying it and how they chose to do so. Your criticism was not one I shrugged off easily, and your opinion was not one I was really able to ignore.
It may not have been apparent, but at the time I was counting on you for emotional support, as I'm sure you looked to me at some points prior at least, and it hurt to have you arguing with me over these things. It hurt to have you treating me like I was causing every problem, and like I had no redeeming qualities to bring to the table. Not because I can't take those accusations, but because they came from you. And it caused me to react in ways I'm definitely not happy about. I wasn't looking for you to make excuses for me or ignore any issues you saw as important, but I never expected that kind of reaction from you. I'm sure you were equally bothered by things I did, or else we wouldn't have wound up fighting about them, but I think what that shows us is that we're just not actually friends anymore.
I'm not saying I don't want to be or that I think it's impossible, just that how we're both acting towards each other at the moment just isn't how friends are, and looking back on how we used to be it seems somewhat clear that something has dramatically changed. That said, I don't hate you, I don't even dislike you, but I don't trust you as I once did and I just don't know if I'll be able to get there again.
I'd ask that you drop the ban on talking, if for no other reason than to not create awkwardness and friction among our mutual friends. I'd rather not create rifts forcing people to decide which side to be on. I won't be messaging you regardless, but you can reach me here if there's something you want to talk about.
I hope your financial situation is improving or at least you have some decent prospects. [Your work's] decision to cancel couldn't have come at a worse time, and I'm trying to see if I can find something either external or internal for the next month to replace them, assuming you're still interested, but I'm not in a position to promise anything. I'm sorry I couldn't help more.
I'm attaching a picture I took last week with the intention of sending it to you but never got a chance. Maybe slightly incongruous with the email, but whenever I see it I'm reminded of you and can't help but think you'd enjoy it even given the circumstances. Hopefully it can add at least a little bit of levity to an otherwise melancholy message.
I'll see you around PM_ME_SUSHI