Girl, I read the title and was so ready to come in here swinging to defend you. It sounds like you have a lot going on, and coming to Reddit has probably made it worse so I’m going to try and be compassionate, from one 24 year old single mom to another. My daughter turned 4 a few days ago, so I understand this age is hard and they are SO stubborn, but you have to at least try and it doesn’t even sound like you have the energy for that.
First things first you’ve got to get your mental health under control. Seek help, go to therapy, talk to your family doctor about how you’re feeling and see if they can prescribe anything for the time being and see if they can get you a referral to a psychiatrist to obtain a diagnosis or a more advanced medication regime. I got diagnosed with bipolar when my daughter was 2 and i cannot begin to describe the difference it made for me.
Also from an outsiders perspective, it sounds like your boyfriend is dead weight which I feel bad saying because you mentioned he had cancer but if he sees a future with you, he needs to be more proactive and more involved in supporting you and WAY more involved with your son. That man is a walking red flag if he’s joking about not knowing about the son you have running around downstairs.
I’m going to put this simply because I have the same fights with my munchkins dad about not bathing her and dropping her off on Sunday in the same clothing I sent her in on Friday. - I will tell you the same thing I tell him.
I know you are showering and making time to take care of your own hygiene (at least I hope you are, if not that’s another story) if you can do that, you can bathe your child. Do not uphold yourself to a higher physical standard than you hold your child. That little boy comes first. It is your responsibility as his mother and yours alone.
This poor baby boy is a sponge right now, taking in everything around him and learning every day. It is YOUR job as his mama to lay the foundation of standards & good habits when it comes to personal hygiene. This is the age where they ~want~ to learn how to take care of themselves, to be independent and not have to rely on mom/dad/grandma/great grandma for it. I don’t think you realize that by doing this - it actually takes a load off of you because he’ll do it himself!!! You are the one setting him up for a successful future and by not taking care of his most basic needs, you are FAILING him right now.
Here are some tips that have helped me with my kiddo who also hated baths/hair washing.
We do bath time at night, it’s apart of her bedtime routine which takes us normally about an hour. I put her in the shower (Reddit don’t come for me, we dont have a tub in my apartment. She is safe and most importantly she is CLEAN). I tell her she can take x amount of toys in with her to play, I get a Bluetooth speaker in there with some kids music loud enough for her to hear it but still quiet enough that I can hear her. I let her turn on the water and adjust the temp to her liking, we get her undressed, she gets in. Now, This is the important part for her routine - I wash her hair and make her wash her body BEFORE I let her play. She is not allowed any play time until she is clean and rinsed off. I make her wash her own body and remind her to get her privates really well, ask if she needs help with her back, then rinse her off with the shower head hose when she’s done. After that I close the curtain but leave the door open so that way I am able to hear what she’s doing and keep an eye on her and guess what!!!?? This allows me up to 30 minutes to do the dishes, or throw a load of laundry in the wash, or literally any type of chore you could think of. We’ve been doing this for months and it’s completely changed her opinion on bath time, she now begs me to shower and even has asked to shower multiple times in a day. After her shower, I lay her down on her towel, lotion her up and give her some back rubs, dress her, brush and braid her hair, brush her teeth and then she is allowed 20 minutes of play time before bed. She loves it because she is pampered, not only that but she has a routine. She takes care of herself. If I’m having a bad mental health day, she will start getting everything set up herself and come get me when she’s ready for me to wash her up.
This may or may not work for you, but the most important thing is finding a routine that works for you and your son. This is going to take you guys working together and communicating. My daughter does better when she feels like she is in control and when it comes down to the important stuff she listens better because she realizes that there are few things I don’t give her choices on, so when I don’t she knows that I’m being firm.
At the end of the day you need to set ground rules with your family on bathtime routines - that includes your grandma. Tell them not to put him in bed or change him until you get home and are able to give him a bath yourself. Once you get a good routine established, share it with your siblings or anyone else who is going to give him a bath & let your grandma know that he IS getting his hair washed one way or another, and she is not to get involved or meddle in him crying. Since his caretaker varies by day it is SO important that everyone is on the same page and is using the same routine. He probably doesn’t like his hair washed because he isn’t used to it… be diligent and be firm with him, offer him rewards, snacks, extra play time before bed, etc for when he does a good job. If your family disagrees or refuses to follow your rules, move out. Find a new job, find a different sitter. Do what you need to do for you and your son!!! You are his mommy, you are raising him, do not let them walk all over you. You can do this!
Sorry if this was all over the place but damn :/ I feel for you, I was in your shoes not too long ago. You just have to take a step back and realize that you aren’t alone, and you’re not a bad person because you’re having a bad time. You’ve got to be the one to step up and fix yourself though. You can blame everyone in the world, but if you were living on your own and your family didn’t provide daycare, who would you blame then?