I'm actually quite cruel, but I've socialized enough to suppress it through overwhelming awkwardness. When I say cruel, I don't mean sadistic. I just don't care about emotions, l. When I'm experiencing my own, it's so exaggerated that I feel like it's fake. I'm always thinking, "Am I really sad right now? Am I supposed to be crying? Is this how I'm supposed to respond?" As I get older and become more exposed to how shitty the world is, it makes me draw more into myself and become more laid-back. In the past few months, I've been put into risky situations and I didn't panic or freak out even for a second—either still nonchalant or just a little more on guard.

Despite all of that, though, I'm a hopeless romantic. Yet time and time again I'm disappointed with the guys that just fly through in my life, and frequently. You'd think I'd be closer to finding "The One" because of all these chances, but I actually feel like my future of starting a family is far out of reach. Sometimes I think it correlates to my developing attitude toward external affairs, but then I remember all of those encounters with guys starting from when I was a new teen. Maybe I'm just growing tired of searching, pursuing, waiting, searching, pursuing, waiting. Guys think I'm this closed-off girl who just flicks dudes out of the picture 24/7, and I mean, I am reserved, but it's become easy for me to fall for someone. Currently, I feel like I'm falling for a friend I only recently met during Spring semester, and the fact that we talk everyday only makes me adore him even more.

TL;DR - I might be a walking contradiction or paradox, whatever it may be.