Yeah I definitely relate to all of this. Literally every point you make.

Some things that make me feel better, even though it’s not excusing anything:

• She probably does feel safe around you and performative around other people. It sucks because she’s seemingly giving the best of herself to others and leaving you whatever energy she has leftover, but she probably doesn’t think she’s giving them the best of her. She probably thinks she’s being fake around them and it probably gives her anxiety, and she feels safer around you since she doesn’t have to put on an act.

  • Same with sleeping. I actually saw a few TikToks (fwiw) suggesting that when your partner feels sleepy around you all the time, it means they trust you and feel safe around you. It sucks because you aren’t really spending quality time with them, but interacting probably just overwhelms them and you are their escape from that. It doesn’t meet your needs, but from their perspective, it probably does mean a lot to them subconsciously.
  • Definitely feel that on sex — my partner always talks to me seductively and will talk about sex regularly when we’re away from a bed, but almost always is “not feeling great” or “tired” when we actually are able to have sex. It’s frustrating, but obviously she can’t control her libido and sex is never an obligation, but I do understand the frustration of when you can’t act on the times where you both want to have sex.

Healthy communication that avoids blame is always the best scenario. Use “I feel” statements instead of “you always” comments, etc.