At first it was social reasons and that I'd spiral into deep depression after being ultra active in the church. I'd get run down and miserable, especially if things I was working towards didn't work out and I was made to believe my lack of faith and worthiness was to blame.

I'd be too ashamed to show up at church where it seemed others succeeded and were much better than me and I'd feel so broken among them. Many years of inactivity stemmed from this. I'd return for a few years and repeat the cycle.

I then started to see the ineffectivity of it all. Being all-in and fully obedient didn't really change anything. There were no miracles from fasting and praying. The nicest, most deserving people didn't receive much needed blessings for their devotion. I mainly saw this from my parents and siblings as they struggled through various things while incredibly faithful to the church. I saw that people of other faiths or non-faith went through the same stuff. When I went with "a prayer in my heart" for answers I'd receive nothing. When what the church told me to do didn't help and only told me to continue my faithfulness to it I couldn't continue to repeat the cycle anymore for my own well being.

I still believed in many core things, though, and that the church was the true one on Earth. Then I had a co-worker who was way out there with extreme conspiracy beliefs. I was uncertain about many of them and the process of figuring them out finally taught me essential critical thinking and information processing skills I had severely lacked.

It still took a few years but finally I could no longer separate my own beliefs in the church from the things that helped be debunk conspiracy claims as well as other things like magic tricks, illusions, faith/televangical healers, psychics, astrology, cure-alls like essential oils and what not. Carl Sagan, James Randi, Penn and Teller and those like them became my new inspirations and voices of reason to go on to learn for myself rather than rely on what I was told as sole truth. Then I found this sub and really dove into actual history and stuff to try to make sense of it all.

It was very gradual. One day I just realized I was on the other side of belief. I'd been in a fog for so long. Coming into the clear was elating. Mourning the years, money, and relationships lost has taken a toll, too, as well as having certain personal hopes and beliefs turn out false. I'm grateful to be free of it now.