It never really dawned on me until about a year or so ago that I had very little guidance. Early elementary school consisted of trying to maximize my recess time and just do me. Then kids started growing up in ways I never had imagined would happen. Cliques started forming and kids began to gravitate towards one life style or another, whether is be sports or studies or theater or whatever, the point is that they had a direction and I felt left in the dust and I then began to do what I could to keep as many friends as possible. Unfortunately with a combination of puberty, poor diet and lack of exercise the pounds really started to add up and I began to sink into an awkward shell of hats and sweatshirts that never came off in public. I really didn't know any better and my dad was either away on business or my mom was working or dealing with my brother medical conditions or sister's extracurricular activities, I got very little attention. I ended up going to a private school 30+ mins away and never saw any of my old friends again even though we lived in the same houses we always did. It was at that time that my dad said he was done with the marriage and moved out. He was still around but it was even less than before but my mom couldn't keep us afloat financially without him (and it was his idea to send us to a college prep school). There were always teachers or coaches or councilors that I could have talked to, but I didn't know I wasn't getting what everyone else got. My family was well off and my dad had the idea to invest in the real estate business and sell the properties when it was time for each of us to go off to college. But he never did. I graduated high school and planned on attending a college without really have done anything. I didn't go to parties (I lived really far away from most kids and lacked some social skills). Everyone was friendly but no one really to call a friend. None of this bothered me because I was just kind of doing it because I was told endlessly that people go to school and get good grades to get into good colleges to get good jobs to make good money. I tried some theater, some sports, some robotics and ended up picking computer science as an intended major and applied to one school way below my gpa/sat test scores for reasons I am not too sure about anymore. I got in and didn't make it to winter break. 3 and a half years later, I haven't done anything to further my life. I have been chilling at home with my mom and brother saying to myself that this year will be different but it never is. My work ethic has been non-existent and I thought I was just going to die when I turned 25. I have been talking to my mom a lot since the divorce has been finalized (took nearly 10 years) and I am just now learning that she only married my dad because he seemed confident and knew what he wanted, but he has worked for almost 15 different companies doing the same thing over the last 25-30 years that she has known him because he was a terrible employee and only wanted to do things his way (2 of his businesses were sold within a year of him starting them). She never thought that she would want kids and I personally don't think she should have ever had any as I have started to get to know the real her, as a person. I love my mom and I know she loves me, and I wish I could give her the life she wanted when she was my age. I have stopped talking to my dad but he called almost daily. I don't really care enough to answer and I feel like he would be the kind of person that if I got rich and famous, he would sue me or something claiming that I owe him because he paid for everything since I did nothing from 18-22(how old I am now).

I don't know if you will get anything from this, it felt very therapeutic to me to type it all out, so thanks for giving me the opportunity. I have been on reddit for about 5 years now but never posted anything up until a few months ago because I have been scared of what people might think of me or my opinions. I have discovered that that is the reason I have been stuck for so long. No one told me to be proud of who I was.

So as for it doesn't get better, I gotta disagree. In my experience, life is way to complicated to deal in absolutes. Things change, people change, sometimes you make them change for yourself. I am not there yet but I am hopeful I will be soon. I am also not you, I can never be you, but I hope we can both get to where we want to be.