Alright! Since it's cake day, I'll share my Drunken-Mexico-Tequila story. It's a bit tl;dr. Butt fuck it.
In April of 2013, my family and I flew down to Mexico, along with 60 other relatives and friends, for my sisters wedding.
Day 1.
We left early in the morning on 4/20, and ended up in Mexico around 9/10 in the evening. There was a shuttle with a host on it taking us to the resort. The moment we get on the bus, she starts handing out beer. Of course, I would take advantage of this moment to start drinking relentlessly since I'm in Mexico. We were only on the bus for an hour, so I had 7 tiny beers (the bottles were two-thirds the size of a normal bottle). So about 3-4 bus loads later, all of us arrive at the resort, meet up with people who are already there, shake hands, give hugs, all that good stuff. Due to the time, and everyone's tiredness, we all get our keys for our rooms and call it a night.
Day 2 - Part I
I woke up around 9am in the biggest and most comfiest bed around. The room was massive, marble everywhere. Flat screen tv, pizza, and beer in the fridge. So I had a slice of pizza and a couple beer and made my way to the breakfast bar area. This resort was unreal. Everything was so well kept and maintained. Such a clean environment. My folks are there waiting, dads got a beer ready for me. What a guy. So they eat their faces off and I drink some more. Dad suggests we hit up the pool bar in a bit for a couple of drinks before the big bachelor party tonight. I can dig it. I go back to my room to freshen up and have a couple more beer before having a couple more beer. By this time I have consumed roughly 6-7 beer. There is a buzz that is very noticeable.
Day 2 - Part II
At this point it should be made clear that the only food had was a slice of pizza. I went for breakfast but drank beer instead.
So I meet my dad at the pool bar, waiting with drinks. So it begins.
From here on in, my memory is fuzzy, it's only 11:00am at this point, and I'm already sweating alcohol. I make my way to the pool bar.
There is about 13-16 drinks had at this pool bar. We start off with some rum and cokes. Just something a bit casual. Since we do not need to pay for alcohol, we start moving into more deliciously expensive drinks, such as scotch and cognac, with beer filling the void in between drinks. There is a game going on next to us in the pool some guy is on a megaphone, doing trivia.
So we are drunk at this point. Only four drinks in, but this is roughly number ten for me. We start laughing and calling out answers at this guy. He takes advantage of this situation, and gives us more booze. Jesus H. Christ. That didn't last long. Our bartender says he's going to make us one last special drink before his shift change, and his "special drink" is a concoction of seven different bottles of hard alcohol. We are now boozehounds and there is no turning back. I cannot stand up at this point, so staying seated and drinking more is my only option. It is now 3:00pm. Everything is spinning, but if I stop I'll get sick. Dad decides he is going to have only one more drink. That changes to three. And then one more for "good times". As we progress into the supper time portion of the day, we are summoned to our rooms to get sorted out so we can sort-of sober up for the bachelor supper/party.
Day 2 - Part III
Walking away from the bar was harder than giving open heart surgery with slices of pizza for arms. I somehow stumble into my room, with copious amounts of drinks consumed, and no food in my system. Pure chaos. I order room service. No need to pay for anything because fuck yeah Mexico that's why. I order three meat lovers pizzas and some g-fings. After making the phone call, I fall back onto my bed and pass out. Out cold for an hour.
Bunch of missed calls from my parents and room service. Missed my pizzas and I'm late for the meet with all of the groomsmen for the dinner. I throw on a change of clothes as best as I can. Shirts on backwards so I end up stumbling around outside with a shirt wrapped around my head trying to switch it back. Absolute state. Not even fit to drive. I make it to the front entrance where we are all meeting. A small lady is walking around with double shots of Tequila so I nab one to take the edge off. She smacks me and tells me to wait for everyone else, pouring up another one for me. Two double shots and I'm back to seeing triple again. We climb aboard white panneled vans and make our way into Cancun for Seniõr Frogs and Coco Bongo.
Day 2 - Part IV - Seniõr Frogs
We are in the van for about forty-five minutes. The scenery is beautiful. The sun is setting, so the light is stricking all of the buildings in the distance, giant pink glow sticks over the horizon. I'm in a drunken daze so the van ride feels like two seconds. We arrive at Seniõr Frogs. There is about twenty of us. We have a table waiting and there is a band playing, with the lead singer being the host of the restaurant. He calls us all out, asking if this is a gathering of gay men or a pride march. I bust out laughing so he orders the waitress to give me a shot. We all order rounds of beers and I am drinking my face off. Three man-mugs and two yard-mugs of beer, four Jager-bombs and shots of tequila. I'm no longer capable of keeping myself together and stumble off into the endless musical void of Seniõr Frogs and meet some new people.
At first I walk by a table with about six or seven people (I think) and have a conversation with them about why I keep slurring my words and how I cannot walk straight. They offer me a shot. I oblige. I make my way up the stairs and a man stops me. He is running a small tattoo shop between the first and second floor. We talk about music, drugs, food, more drugs. Offera to sell me cocaine and weed. Then says I need a tattoo. For $40 he can hook me up with a sweet tribal tat on my arm. I almost do it. Some power within me is able to pull myself together to trek further into the unknown dampness of the upstairs. Its dark, wet, and there are strange looking people everywhere. I feel like Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing when everyone is a lizard. I try to keep my cool. The end is near. A light flickering at the end of the hall. The bathroom.
My safe haven. I crawl inside and splash water on my face, trying to pull it together. Brad (the groom) and Matt (one of the groomsmen) walk into the bathroom. They're wondering what happened to me, ask me if I got sick or anything. I have been gone for two hours after we ordered food and my food was sitting for so long at the table the waitress took it away. Its 7:00pm, and I have not eaten in ten hours. The night is only young still. We go back to the table and the host gets us to play a game. We have to climb up on our stools and stand and do something that involves alcohol. I cannot remember what happened here. Next thing I know is there is a small bartender walking up and down the table pouring liquor down our mouths from the bottle. I order another beer. Tabs are being paid, last minute bathroom runs are being made, and we leave Seniõr Frogs.
Day 2 - Part V - Coco Bongo
The vans are waiting for us, we say it's ok though, the club is only up the road. This is where we split up with the older folk. My dad and uncle leave to go back to the resort. I am with about eight of the guys. We make our way to the club. This walk is very short, and very difficult. A severe case of spaghetti legs. They all surround me and keep me balanced so I don't die. We make it to the club and it is the most surreal place I have ever visited. Just like in the movies where you see hundreds upon hundreds of people dancing everywhere. Inside was a maze. I needed guidance. Apparently there are tables we stand at on the dance floor. A waitress guides us all and we make haste to the table. She has a bottle of Jager and Tequila waiting for us. Shots are then consumed.
For the remainder of the evening, I'm floating around this endless sea of people, dancing my ass off with random strangers. As the music continued, a show was put off on this massive stage with people flying through the air on ribbons and poles. An Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Lady Gaga impersonator took the stages and sang a bunch of hits, collaborated some songs and made insane mash ups. I don't remember seeing much of it, but I remember the blurs of all the colors and lights flickering. Vision was almost lost and my body just flailed around to the beat.
Only two points of time are remembered from here on in: I put my number in someones phone and then getting dragged out of Coco Bongo because we were going to miss the van back to the resort. I left my phone home this entire trip, so when I got back home I noticed missed calls and texts from this unknown number from Nevada. Apparently I gave my number to a chick that is from the US (I'm from Canada).
So I'm being dragged into the van, seat belt being wrapped around me, water tossed on my face to stay conscious. I pass out anyways. I wake up two seconds away from the resort and start heaving my guts up. I manage to not make a mess in the van and spill my guts up outside. Brother-in-law to the rescue. He guides me to my room, and I pass out on the bathroom.
Its 8:00am. I'm on the bathroom floor with a migrain wondering what the hell happened. There's no vomit in the bidet across from me, but little drops of blood on the floor. My throat is on fire. The Tequila tore up my esophagus. I crawl in bed and don't get out until the next day. I out-drank everyone that night. I don't know how I did it, but it happened. I harnessed the powers and became Frank the Tank one last time.