To anyone who identifies as trans but decided to not physically transition, can ...
This comment was posted to reddit on May 29, 2016 at 5:32 am and was deleted within 19 hour(s) and 51 minutes.
To anyone who identifies as trans but decided to not physically transition, can I ask you some questions? (possible tw)
When I was 5, more than 25 years ago, but the confidence in it came gradually. Came out a few times, mostly around high school/college, then lost contact with those people. Still not bold enough to assert "this is what I am", even to myself; it's not something I could ever convince anyone else of.
It's been different at different times. When I was younger, it used to be that acting masculine was hard. Now that I'm not getting beaten up for it, maybe it's still hard, but I can let that slide a bit more. Recently it's just general discomfort, envy, and from that difficulty concentrating. I mean, for a while, I thought I wasn't really thinking about it, and then looked back and realized I'd actually been thinking about it constantly. Recently, not outing myself whenever people around me have a political/philosophical debate about trans* issues has been tough. Fighting depression's a struggle sometimes.
Yeah, relationships and work. Comes and goes, though. If you feel like you're putting on an act, it's hard to trust when someone loves you. If you think "I might change my mind and transition", it's hard to think about starting a new relationship.
I used to be under the impression transition didn't work very well. I told myself that maybe things would get better, and I could transition if I were successful, and that pushed me forward a lot. I put it off to focus on relationships and work, and they were distracting enough. Now I feel like I've got too much to lose. Attractiveness, a sizeable dating pool, safety, family, friends, having my own children, and the ability to be taken seriously at work are all things I worry about losing. There's also a sense that I'm too old - physically, I missed the ideal time, but more, I've just been pretending to be this person for too long, I don't know if I could ever fit in where I would have if I hadn't.
Yeah. It's not all bad - "too much to lose" isn't a problem everyone's lucky enough to have.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent. Sometimes it's nice to just scream into the void.