I used to be in a very dark place, thinking the same kind of stuff you seem to be saying here. It took time and effort to work my way out of it, get to a place where I could feel somewhat normal, but I didn't escape those thoughts. Well one day I was out with some friends, walking to get lunch, and someone said something that was just so funny. It was pretty dumb, something about someone mixing up a sandwich and a baby, can't really even remember. But it was so funny all of us literally all had to stop and fall over, in the middle of the street, laughing for a solid couple minutes. And buckled over, there on the street, I suddenly realized that if I had ended it all a few weeks back, I wouldn't have experienced this. This great moment, with all my friends, laughing at a stupid joke out on a sunny day. It made me realize that this was something worth living for. There are small things, tiny moments, that I need to live for. If I were to end it, I wouldn't get any more of these experiences.

So I started to take note of small things I was glad I got to experience. Like I'd find a link to a silly video online that made me remember a happy part of my childhood. I'd think to myself, 'if I had done it, I wouldn't have seen this video or remembered this forgotten part of my life." And it makes me glad I'm still around for these things and how many other things I'd miss if I was gone.

Obviously, you'd have to be lucky to experience a net positive in life. If you were to time your life, obviously the mundane/boring/negative would get more time than the positives. But somehow those small moments of happiness are enough. You have to keep going. Next time something good happens, and it makes you smile, think how much you would have regretted ending it all because you would have missed this moment.

One more passing thought. I'm in a very tough time right now due to a passing of a good friend. It's extremely tough and it will probably be tough for a while. Maybe it'll sitck with me for the rest of my life. But I thought the other day "What if I had never met him?" My friend that is. Then I wouldn't feel so sad right now. Things wouldn't be so negative. But I think about the good times, the great moments we had together. The sadness of his loss may last longer than the time we knew each other, but I'm so glad I did know him. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Those happy times we shared far outweigh this tough time, even if there is more time feeling 'negative' now.

It's not a numbers game. We don't need to add up all the happy time versus the sad time and then see which outweighs the other. Small moments of happiness are enough.