Hey, /r/LoseIt! This post is going to be semi-long, but I feel like everything I've included is relevant information. I'll do my best to summarize in a tl;dr down below. My writing isn't very good and my grammar isn't at a level that it should be for someone my age, so sorry about a potential headache you may get reading this. Oh, and some of the examples I'm going to include are pretty out there, but I'm including them anyway because I want whoever is reading this to see the length I'll go to continue my awful habits. I'm sure I don't have to tell the internet this, but please don't hold back. If after reading this you have come to the conclusion that I'm just lazy, or whatever your conclusion is, please tell me exactly how you feel.. I need all the advice I can get, thanks!
I've done literally nothing with my life, not a damn thing. I can't even say that I've graduated high school. I'm twenty one years old and I've never even had a job. My only friend is my great grandmother, who I live with, and I've never had a girlfriend. I sit in my living room all day and night playing video games, eating my life away. I'll wake up every day saying today will be the day I get my shit together, but it never happens. By 4:00 PM, I'll somehow convince myself that it's okay if I eat 10 pieces of bread, cheese, and cereal all at the same time. I'll make excuses like, “Oh, tomorrow is Sunday, I'll just start then.”, or, “The start of the month is just around the corner, I'll start then”. If I forget to do something, like say make my bed, I'll use that as an excuse. If I wake up late, I'll use that as an excuse. This is going to make me sound even crazier, but I'll make excuses like this: For whatever reason, I dislike 3, 5, 6, 8, and 9. Dislike is probably the wrong word, I don't hate them, I just like 1, 2, 4, and 7 better. So say it's April 9th. I'll make up an excuse that it's better to start my diet on the 10th rather than the 9th, but even when the 10th comes, I'll make up some other stupid excuse and the cycle continues. I'll eat a bunch of garbage, get all depressed, and then act like tomorrow will be completely different. This is all very confusing to me because I have committed to a diet and stuck to it for an extended period of time before. In May of 2016, I was 320 pounds. By December of that year, I was down to 250. When I hit 250, everything changed. I can't stop eating now (literally can't go 24 hours without breaking the diet I set for myself), and since December of 2016, I have gained back 35.1 lbs of what I lost with no end in sight.
I'm 6'2, 285.1 lbs. When I look into the mirror, I'm disgusted. I've always been shy and introverted, but the disgust I feel towards myself heightens my anxiety when I'm around other people. I lock myself in my room when family comes to visit my great grandmother. I can't look strangers in the eye and my communication skills are God awful. I have no problem communicating with my great grandmother and some other family members, but when it comes to strangers, it's like my brain short circuits. To further cement how much of a coward I am, it's taking everything in me to even post here. I want to get a job, get my GED, go to community college, and then transfer to a four year university, but I don't feel like any of that is possible until this weight is gone. I want to do something with my life, but I'm stuck. I've been stuck for what seems like forever. My body is in shambles due to the abuse it has endured. My mind feels like it's starting to slip. I'm easily agitated and I feel like I'm always on autopilot. I feel like it's important to state that I'm not suicidal, I would never do that to my grandmother. Speaking of my great grandmother, my failures have impacted her greatly as well. Our apartment is barely suitable to live in. There are too many things that need to be replaced in our household for me to list. Our cat is old and diabetic. Bills need to be paid and food needs to be put on the table, all of which is on her shoulders because I'm too much of a coward and too broken to get a damn job. She deserves so much better but knowing that I still fail day in and day out to change. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I just lazy? How can I change?
Tl;dr Can't stop eating. My body is broken and my mind is starting to feel like it's slipping. I want to change, but I keep failing. Am I just lazy? How can I change?