Congratulations! You're starting to level up in a way most people don't.

That empty blackness you feel filled with anger, sadness, desire and loneliness is super important and do not look away now. Most people have the same thing but refuse, absolutely refuse to admit it and look at it. They will do anything (drugs, sex, alcohol, work) not to look inward at that emptiness.

That internal blackness is what you have to conquer. What is all that shit? For myself, it's a lot of old hurt and feelings of inadequacy that my mother and my family never loved me and that no one around me ever will love me in the way I want to be loved. It's all the hurt, shame, guilt, humiliation and resentment I've stockpiled away as a helpless child. People are all different so I don't expect your blackness to be the same as mine.

You're come along way and it sounds like you're just about ready to dig into yourself. Would you consider getting a therapist? I did some therapy back when I was your age and it helped tremendously with some old issues. Of course, I bailed on it too soon. I'm an old guy now and back in therapy and it's just been wonderful to stand up to some of that darkness.