Again the information below isn't to get pity or anything, it just felt good to type it out and actually tell someone else what's been going on
GENERAL BACKGROUND FOR PERSPECTIVE: Now I wasn't raised by my parents. I was raised by other family members because my mother was too young to be responsible and eventually went on to kill someone in her foster home. My biological father was just never around.
I was raised by my cousins and they were great to me given my circumstances. I prefer to paint the good, the bad, and the ugly. My dad (not biological) was bulimic for most of my life and I remember growing up just watching him do that. As a preteen he would criticize my weight alot so that resulted in poor self esteem til I realized he was a just hurt person trying to hurting me. Not sure if that effected me much since I was so desensitized but I figured I share. My cousins, his sisters, served as my bigs sister's but they both have very short tempers and alcohol problems.
There have been countless times where I would wake up fearful because they would be screaming at me about the stupidest shit. Not like regular nagging either, like literally shrieking like crazy. I would always wake up anxious and scared. One of them also makes it a point to tell me id be getting raped in a foster home if it wasn't for them and how I'm ungrateful bitch who will end up like my mother.
COLLEGE FRESHMAN YEAR: Over the years I have batted depressive episodes and suicidal ideation. My freshman year of college my dad lost his job and found out he had HIV. I was living on campus and he had a psychotic break. He was money hungry and violent. He sold everything in our apartment that we've been loving in for the past 17 years. He left garbage everywhere to rot and collect roaches. Neglected the dog we had and let it eat anything and shut all over the house. He collected bags of throw up in garbage bags in his room and literally looked like a skeleton. He would threaten me for money and to return things that he bought so he could sell it. He developed a gambling problem and spend all of my scholarships for school. He would walk down the street and flash people. I've only ever seen him cry once, at his mother's funeral as a child, and he cried recounted stories or horrible things that happened to him as a child, like his mother selling his body and other sick shit. When he got violent for the first time ever and slammed my face into the car window.
I didn't know what to do and it was one of my lowest points. I was cutting deep and being reckless. My aunt's blamed me for some reason, leaving me horrible voicemails and threatening men. I was cheated on and left when it all happened. I also was on the verge of getting kicked out because I no longer had the money to pay for school. I would drink by myself and slam my head into walls. Even on my birthday I had a party, which isn't in my nature, and during it I cut deeper than ever before. This shit with my dad continued for 2 or so years. My dad had taken to a psychiatric hospital multiple times eventually him and I were on better terms, however I still do not stay over the house.