I hear ya. I moved to a new city and am trying to make friends (really hard when you're in your late 20's), and sometimes all I want to do is just bitch with someone. A good ol', genuine, rant to high heaven bitch fest. For the fun of it, and the reminder that someone else might be going through the same things. I'm in University with a bunch of teenagers, so it's hard to find friends there, and I work part-time as a janitor in a building full of people my age who are SO friendly... to a point. I'm not a complainer personality, but I hear these girls ranting about the problems in their lives with each other, and laughing over their shared problems, and sometimes when they're being so buddy-buddy with me I take it as a cue to jump in and share parts of my life. Nope. No one cares about the cleaner. They just immediately revert back to professionalism. Bitching just makes me look bad. And it's hard because I keep so much to myself, and maintain a permanent exterior sunniness, that whenever I express anything else suddenly I'm a Negative Nancy.

It's doubly hard because this year I have survived multiple suicidal episodes. I feel like I truly went crazy at some points. I completely lost sight of myself, and was/am totally adrift. Not to mention alone, friendless, and isolated [and self-isolated].

But. In a way, this horrible year of anxiety and depression has given me a great gift. Compassion for myself. It's weird that my self-hatred also carries with it self-compassion. But my snowballing in which I completely shed my skin, lost my identity, and am currently crippling back to self-sustenance has granted me the gift of the 'fuck-it' attitude. Conversation with a coworker was horrendously awkward, and was entirely my fault? Fuck it. This year I survived. These people don't mean anything to me. 'It's okay, you're alive', has become my mantra. I've have numerous awkward moments at work, and to keep the shift from feeling stagnantly slow, I've started singing softly to myself. Mostly to Tom Petty's 'Yer So Bad'. It just, distracts me from falling into that realm of self-loathing.

I don't have a single person in my life to talk to. It's really hard. I know it's important to maintain positivity and see the bright side of things, but can I just say, there IS a place for bitching, venting, unloading, etc. I know it feels like expressing any negative aspect of your life, even to the people close to you, is socially unacceptable. But please don't feel like it's your INFP personality is sabotaging these interactions. Right now, in a society where perma-happiness is being constructed and sold and any other emotion is deemed deviant, it's risky to open up to people. Logically, I know my coworker's double-sided friendship with me is not indicative of my personality (and if I'm just like, super awkward or something), but rather the structuralist class/job inequalities at play. But this denial of true feelings WILL surface in people. The constant pressure of withholding emotions and rants to fulfill a social construction will result in deviant behaviors or thoughts. And we all end up somewhere. I'm in group therapy for eating disorders right now (free in University) and it's AMAZING. All we do is bitch, support, listen. It's been so effective for me. It's such a safe space. I highly highly recommend looking for public therapy gatherings in your community. (But I know, easier said than done).