I am feeling exactly the same way right now. I think I'm hideous because my face looks like the surface of the moon due to acne and I have the body shape of a spark plug. (someone actually told me that.) And I have bipolar 1 to top it off. And your post sounds terrible but I don't feel so alone anymore now and I can assure you that you aren't that alone either. I don't have any closure for you, and I don't have any for myself. I usually have to wait how ever many weeks for the depressive episode to past before I feel relief. My best advice is that your feelings about yourself are purely perceptive, meaning they aren't objective fact. A human being is not like a number with a fixed value. A human being is not even like a song or a painting, which are fixed but can have many interpretations. A human being is fully three-dimensional. You may hate what you are now, but you are not a static mannequin that is fixed and therefore worthy of condemnation. You have the power of choice and the power of perception. You cannot have everything you want, like a head of lush hair or a supermodel body, and neither can I. People like us have to find a unique meaning of life and value in ourselves that isn't shallow and transient like supermodel looks or a sunny personality. And we have to believe that we are good people regardless of the fucked up habits and tendencies we have. Good people, not based on what we have done in the past, and not based on our pained, antisocial reactions to stress, but good people because we value kind and noble qualities and we are discontented with our harmful qualities. Potential to evolve and the courage to make conscious decisions in life are the basic tools you need to begin to move past self hatred. A therapist is helpful, but most therapists are just expensive, indirect ways of asking yourself if you think what you are doing is working or not. Clearly it isn't.