I got back on a cab and come back to my hotel, a few hours later I wrote to her what happened. I told her I thought I was going to die. She gave me a bit of comfort in her words, and asked me if I was ok and if I needed anything. I told her I needed to sleep.

The next day was hell for me, I needed to get another flight, but I had a feeling. I needed to tell her how I felt about her. I needed to do that before I ever got on another flight ever again. So I end up writing this beautiful message to her. (God, I hope I'm not boring you guys) but basically this is what I wrote:

"Hell, I'm writing this in the middle of the night since I have nothing better to do than study haha and insomnia, hope I didn't wake you up... But there's something on my mind that I just needed to get off, with all this extra stress, I just needed to vent myself off.

You're my best friend, and you really do mean a lot to me. I know we've haven't known each other for long, and that we both have big personal issues going on atm, but I also know there's a ton of stuff I wanna do together. I want to travel, go to XXX, XXXX, XXX... hell, even the US one day. But I wanna do that with someone who I like being around with, and hopefully, someone who enjoys being around someone as crazy as me. And I really hate saying this over facebook, but since I've been gone for so long and what happened to me last night, I hope you can understand how I've felt.

I like you, I wanna keep on being your friend, you're great, seriously, and I want to meet new people, try new things, go drinking, see places and live life the way it's suppose to be with someone. You're the only one I've really open up to in XXXX, and after what happened yesterday (I broke down, I legit needed someone to hold me while getting off the airplane), I felt the need to tell you how I really feel about you. And if you don't feel the same, or feel sure, or it just doesn't seem right, I can understand. But I want to keep on being your friend, and it just feels wrong not to tell you... it's like keeping a secret. I'm only human, with human feelings. And I realized this when I spent countless days in my hotel room, bored as hell with this crappy internet and kept wondering "what if".

[her name], I love you, as a friend, as a person, as someone special to me. I love you for who you are, and everything that makes you, you. I want to help you be successful and happy in life, and I hope you can help me with the same along the way too. I get pretty fucking weak/depressed emotionally, that's just the way I am, I guess that's why I'm telling you all this now. Your friendship is one of the best things that's happen to me in a long time. You make me happy, and I hope I make you feel the same. And I really hope, that however you may feel about me, it won't chance what we got going on as friends.

Three words: You're fucking great! And I just want you to also know, I wasn't searching for a relationship... it was the last thing I wanted, but I guess my feelings got the best of me. It just kinda happened heh. I really do miss you, but this estate shit just had to happen to me right now, at a moment when I found some happiness in my life.

I'm looking forward to seeing XXXX soon we'll have fun! Even if it ends up with us sleeping under a bridge next to a hobo!"

I wrote that at around 4am, she replied with his in the morning:

"Heh, well I know the feeling "what if" and it can eat up someone. Glad you told me but no, I don't feel the same. I like you, you are great, I like hanging out with you, go drinking, bitching about people and whatever but I don't want more nor do I see there could be more.

I was already a little worried that this happens. We can still go out and have fun but I'd like to cancel the squishy hugs, I felt unease anyways always.

Since you are the one who got those feelings you have to decide if you can still talk/go out with me as much as you want to.

I do believe you/we need to find some other people here. Anyways, you are great though."

I was left heart broken... I don't know what to do now. I told her I understood and all, and asked her if we could still be friends. She kinda relied with "sure, if you're ok with it". The last thing she ever sent me was along the lines of "I'm feeling pretty uneasy, I will sleep over it, will see".

Since then she hasn't been really replying to any of my messages. A few hours ago I asked her how she was feeling, I haven't gotten any answers for a few hours. I think I've fucked up. She meant the world to me. I put all my trust into her, and she did the same with me as well. All I want is just to talk to her again, I want to be able to laugh with her, hug her, go out drinking and bitch about people. I've asked myself why I loved her. It's the way she cuddles with her pet rats, it's her personality, it's the way she is.

I was her only friend in the entire city and I fucked it up. She believed in me. She's my best friend. We promised each other we'd visit Vienna for my birthday together, just the two if us. I'm getting my ass on another flight on Friday. She doesn't know it yet. I haven't told her, and if I did, she maybe would ignore it. I wanted to meet up with her after her work shift on Saturday... but now I'm not sure if she wants to see me. I don't want her to think differently about me how.

Fuck, I'm tearing up a bit writing this. I just don't know what to do now...

I couldn't help but fall in love with her. That's the thing that kinda keeps me up at night, she's amazing, she's what kept me alive when I was dealing with everything here. Seeing her message me every few days with "heyyy, when will you be back?" brought a smile to my face. To know that someone cares for you, that you mean something to someone, is really something in my opinion.