I'm guessing you're the type of person who sees value in touch, whether that be with human contact or petting a dog. I feel the same way too! I certainly understand feeling upset at the idea of losing access to those things. A life of touch isolation sounds like actual torture to me. I'm the touchiest, most affectionate person I know! (Except maybe my wife! :P)
But realistically, I only want that touch when it's going to be a positive experience for everyone. When it is, it's a good touch and it makes me feel great! But if I'm the only one who wants that touch, it's bad touch and I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. We don't want to get my jollies off at someone else's expense, right?
For example, if I found myself petting someone's dog with the hope of tail wagging joy, only to find the dog respond by shaking and crying, I'd be horrified when the owner revealed that they are out trying to help rehabilitate a formerly abused dog! That poor thing must've been so stressed out by me since he didn't know me!
Or what if I was walking my own dog, and I tried to come up and say hi to another dog-walker I happened to be passing, only to find their dog freaking out because it's never been around other animals before? Personally, I'd want to know in advance if their dog had issues around other animals for the safety and comfort of everyone involved.
Avoiding those situations doesn't mean we're entering a world where touch isn't allowed. I think it simply means that we're entering a world where we're realizing how awesome it is to we ask first! Often times, when we see a cute dog, we see all the excitement we could have petting it. We don't really think about how bad we'll feel if this is one of those rare situations where it won't result in everyone involved feeling amazing. I see asking first as a way to ensure I'm going to experience the mutually enjoyed, good touch I'm expecting. For the low, low cost of a single sentence, I can avoid one-sided, bad touch experiences! I think that's really cool!
Even though it's really easy to do, I think people often have some very reasonable fears that this may not be feasible. I've experienced these myself and I do think they're worth addressing:
1. Won't people think I'm weird for asking? Because no one else does that!
I've definitely felt this fear before when I was just starting to make the change to always asking first. But after a lot of experience, I can tell you that the worst I've ever had happen is that someone is a little surprised and confused, but that's not really a negative reaction and they forget about it as quickly as they felt it. I've also had people profusely thank me for asking first, which makes me feel great!
2. Isn't asking every single time with everyone for the rest of your life a burden that outweighs the benefits?
It sure would be if you had to do that! There's actually a really great pro-tip that solves this problem. Just ask if you should keep asking! Let's say this isn't a stranger's dog anymore and I'm seeing them for the 2nd or 3rd time. I don't continue asking, "Can I pet your dog?". I ask, "Do you want me to keep asking to pet your dog every time or do you feel comfortable that it'll be okay generally?" They'll almost always say yes because, in my experience, no one wants to BE asked EVERY time unless they actually have a concern for when it might go poorly.
3. But...if I ask, doesn't that mean I'll get to experience less touch? I like touch. That sucks!
Well, I guess this depends on why you think you'll experience less touch. If it's because you've chosen not to ask anymore because you think it's too much work, then yes, you'll experience less touch - but only by your own choice. And I promise, asking is easy with the smallest amount of practice. Don't give up!
If it's because you're scared that other people will say no to you, you're right. It will reduce the amount of touch you get. But only by reducing the amount of BAD touch you'd inadvertently be doing to ZERO! Don't worry, the amount of good touch that is mutually enjoyable to everyone and not just you will be COMPLETELY UNCHANGED!
I've been mostly focused on dogs so far, but all these lessons can be extended to people too. Which introduces a people-specific concern...
4. But what if they do say no to touch they REALLY DO WANT because...they think it's bad/socially unacceptable?
I think it's important to clarify between really WANTING something and having just a part of us want it. If my wife told me, "I really want to skip work today. I feel like calling in sick and playing hookie", she still might not appreciate it if I called her work for her and told them she had strep throat. A part of her wanted it but overall, she just didn't really want it, y'know? This is another situation where asking first would've avoided the problem.
So let's say some person wants to have sex with us (because we are supa sexy love gods lol), but they're really worried that their super-Christian roommates will see us leave in the morning. Maybe the last time that happened, the roommates were really mean to our new sex frando because they're super judgey about premarital sex. Maybe if we ask first, they'll say no to avoid their peer's slut shaming!
What's the moral way to behave, knowing that's the case? Should we just avoid asking, knowing their self control is bad enough that they might have sex with us anyway? Even though they'll still suffer all the same consequences and feel awful about their time with us later?
Or should we reassure them that not having sex is fine, but offer to have them over to our place in case that solves the problem? Or offer to leave before the morning? Or offer to tell their roommates to fuck off? Personally, I'd much rather have a quick conversation with them to make sure they could fully focus on and enjoy the sex we have together. It'll be better sex anyway. And if they feel good about it afterward, maybe we'll get to have fun, mutually enjoyable sex again! Woo!
But of course, you'll only even know there's a problem you may be able to help with if you ASK FIRST instead of trying to get away with boning them when they didn't fully want it. If we did that, they probably wouldn't have sex with us anymore because we didn't show that we cared about and respected them. (That doesn't mean we're in love, just that their feelings matter to us. We can even do that for a one night stand!)
When we fail to do this, we may not even know it happened because maybe we'll never see them again or maybe they decided it wasn't a big enough deal to talk about. But for them, that wasn't a particularly positive sexual experience. They'll be less likely to have sex with us in the future than they would've if we had found a way for us to have great mutually beneficial sex (or even just wait for the next opportunity!). If lots of people do that to them, they may feel not great about sex GENERALLY and maybe they'll be much more hesitant to have sex in the future! :(
Y'know, it's kind of funny - people are worried about not being able to have any touch in their lives with #MeToo showing up, but from my perspective, it's people's resistance to finding better ways to manage their sexual communication that is actually reducing the amount of touch in the world. How much touch is the world losing out on ALREADY because people don't feel comfortable and safe saying yes to touch they would want in another context?
Also, we also need to be okay with missing out on SOME sex. Maybe they won't fully want to have sex with us no matter how much we respectfully chat about it. That's okay! Let's just not have sex with people if we're not sure that they'll fully enjoy it and will feel good about it afterward. If everyone starts doing this, maybe we'll make EVERYONE feel more comfortable with sex generally and we can all get laid more anyway!
Think of it as a choice. A. You have sex ONE TIME on Friday with someone who doesn't fully want it and thus doesn't put much effort in and is distracted, making the sex pretty lame. B. You miss out on half-assed sex on Friday but you get to have wild sex with them all day on Saturday AND Sunday, when they REALLY want it and can't keep their hands off of you.
Which are you gonna choose? It might be hard to see that connection, but start taking the time to really genuinely care about whether your partners really enjoy your touch (including after the fact), and I promise, you will be amazed at how much your sex life improves.
Anyway, I guess that's it. I hope that you find a life of GOOD touch awaits you and I hope you'll consider asking first to ensure that happens. Have a great day!
P.S. This works for like EVERYTHING - petting dogs, letting dogs up on the couch, tickling small children, wrestling around with friends, first kisses, having sex, inviting someone to go bungee jumping, patting a coworker on the back at wo...it's really versatile!
P.P.S. I excluded all the finer points of how to ask in a way most likely to ensure people feel comfortable answering you with their heart's true desire, so if you have any questions about that, let me know and I'll be happy to give some more tips. :)