Thank you for posting this, it takes a lot of courage to share these things! I would say that, first, you are not alone. There are so many people that struggle with similar behaviors and patterns, myself included.

It's awesome that you are already seeing a therapist, and that you're looking for more support now. I also struggle with trying to go through recovery all by myself, and I resonate with a lot of your story.

For me, part of recovery is not being too harsh on myself and remembering my humanity. It's a very normal and understandable response to reach for comfort when faced with difficult emotions and circumstances, and a fine dance between having compassion for myself, while also taking accountability for my life now and taking action to change and grow.

I've recently started going to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) tele-meetings and am currently looking for a sponsor or temporary sponsor to start working the steps. While I have some reservations about SAA, I think overall it seems like it will be extremely helpful.

It's a lot to go at alone, that's for sure. For me, the patterns are so deeply engrained and it takes daily dedication to take the mask off every morning that I've been wearing for years.

It's been helpful to hear other people's stories and to feel less alone in my struggles. There is a lot of hope in the meetings too- so many people have been to very low points in their lives but have found ways to bounce back and live really meaningful lives, and SAA and similar groups seem to help a lot of people through this process. This might be a good place to start if you are looking for more support.