Part 2:
I don't talk to those anymore, but there were some that were nice to me. Some I liked too much because, well, we were a good match. I just messed it up back in college or high school because I was a twat who sucked at talking to girls. They began ignoring me years ago and haven't budged.
I still did drugs. Only I stopped experimenting and moved onto the harder stuff. I wasn't out for adventure, I didn't need it anymore. I picked my DOC as opiates and did them because they made me happy. They were fun. Yes, I was actually getting attention from girls at this point. And my romantic life had actual potential. But I couldn't shake these deep rooted feelings of loneliness that I still have today. I dated a few STR and hooked up here and there. After getting rejected 90% of the time in high school and college, it's now me that does the rejecting. But not in an empowering way. I now reject 90% of girls. Not because I'm bitter, but because...I just can't find someone I can feel excited for anymore. :( I took several breaks from dating and then several "un-breaks" from opiates during those. I'm still lonely. I did take a break from opiates...they were getting out of control...I was being reckless with them, and it was ruining my life. I stopped.
After a certain amount of girls which can't get me excited, sexually or romantically, I think back to those nicer girls from high school or college - the ones who showed interest, but messed up with. I try contacting them somehow. I'm usually able to reach them. I want to tell them how much of an idiot I was back then. Maybe somehow they'll be interested in spending time with me again...I contact these girls, and I don't try to ask them out or be forward with them or say anything to scare them away. I proofread my messages. They're genuine attempts at a simple, light hearted conversation - just catching up. They're probably in another state, working in full careers, living completely different lives than what I remember them from, hell, maybe a few are even married. I'm old enough to start seeing that now after all. All I ever really try to do is just talk to them again, or maybe see them again for the first time in years. Reconnecting with old friends usually doesn't end well for either gender, but...did you ever just...you know, miss someone? You just wanted to say hi, run into them somewhere, get a 2 minute catch up of what they're doing with themselves? Just seeing how life turned out for them and sharing your story as well before saying a warm goodbye? That's all I asked for. The girls I'm meeting now show me that I once had feelings for these girls because they were good people and we had fun together and their hobbies, interests, and way of thinking was something I found exciting.
...Not a single one of those girls I used to be so close to and bond so well with has given me time of day. :( I must have separately contracted them all at least once over the course of the last few years. Not one called me back. Not one responded to my texts. And not one replied to my messages. ;( I was completely ignored, and will continue to be by them forever. ;(
Do you know that feeling you get when you take an opiate that you don't have a lot of? When you only have a little, so you hope it's enough but it actually isn't and you only feel the tiniest buzz for a short while and it's just...so...unsatisfying? You wish you could take more to get the high, but there's none left? That feeling? It's what I feel almost everyday now. I don't ever miss those girls I dated for a short period or made out with. Those interactions were SATISFYING. I felt like I got my dose. But...there's something about just not been given a chance...been pushed away when you tried to go for a kiss, been IGNORED...that's just so unsatisfying on a whole 'nother level. I can't even begin starting anything with these girls that are now showing great interest in me because all of those holes from my broken heart and broken sex life are still there. And they will NEVER be filled back up for good. ;( None of those empty holes will ever be given any sort of closure because those few kind, respectful, pleasant (not sarcasm, they really were nice people) girls don't want to so much as give me time of day to just TALK to me to eventually hear my side of the story and hear my apology for making them so uncomfortable years ago. ;( I just want closure so I can move on, but I'm just being completely ignored. ;(
So...I'm back. I'm back on hard opiates to fill these holes in artificially. My love and sex life are still broken, but at least it's my choice now.
There's a really nice girl who's been texting me for weeks, trying to make plans to see me. The newest person I'm subconsciously rejecting without giving her a chance. She's really adventurous and we have a good humor together, She thinks I'd make a good boyfriend, actually. She even showed me some "interesting" pictures of herself a few times......I'm blowing her off completely. I'm giving her excuses. I'm not excited to see her. I have no intention of ever being intimate with her, and I have no interest in her as anything but a "texting buddy." I honestly don't care if she just gave up and stopped trying so hard to connect with me. There's nothing wrong with her. She's a perfectly good person to be involved with. But I'm straight up not excited. I've just been hurt and left unsatisfied too many times in my love and sex life to care anymore. :( She's no means the first girl I've done this to, and by no means the last either. I'm a virgin in my late twenties. She's invited me over for sex twice now. Before her, three other girls did the same thing. This is just in 2015. For all of them, each time I said I was too busy, but in reality, not a single part of me cares for the act. They are/were good girls. But I just...don't care....
I took 25 5mg Oxycodone throughout the day. This is what I've been missing. It filled the holes. This is better.