Having been in a relationship like this, I concur that it is absolutely mind bending.

As you have discovered, calling an ADHD-er out, or otherwise trying to make them see what they are doing, will do no good. No matter how loud, or how patient, or how many different ways you try to explain the ADHD-ers own actions to them or the effects thereof. It's not going to change unless the person with ADHD is invested in the change and is getting thier required adrenaline or dopamine hit from participating in the change. No dopamine or adrenaline hit? Nothing is going to happen.

I am a dog trainer. I have noticed that shaping the behavior of an individual with ADHD is rather like training a particularly stubborn dog. You've got to get --and keep--thier attention before you can do a damn thing with them.

That said, I'd recommend you go and have a discreet chat with an attorney to find out where you stand legally.

After that, having an equally discreet chat with a behavioral psychologist is in order to determine what is best for you and the kids, with the husbands needs and wants dead last (after all, he does it to you and the kids..)

Then, proceed accordingly.

Good luck!