I am so sorry for what you are going through. But even if it's easy to say take it as a blessing in disguise. You can do better from now on. I can relate, I married my undiagnosed adhd husband in the middle of his hyperfocus phase. It went pretty fast, I was 29, successful and hot with lots of options but I remembered thinking something along the lines of, this man loves me so much and makes me feel so special... No matter what happens, life will not take this away from us. Lol. Famous last words. He became completely indifferent and withdrawn overnight when our first son was born. I carried the family on my shoulders for the next 12 years, financially, emotionally, practically, you name it, while trying so hard to find out what was wrong. I basically diagnosed him 4 years ago through the internet. He was in complete denial. I tried everything, and ultimately realized that I was miserable and resentful. He ignored me for 12 years and made me feel unlovable. I just could not understand why all my friends husband's were thoughtful and caring and mine was being a complete ahole. I had a professional burnout due partly to having no support whatsoever at home in addition to a stressful high responsibility job. I finally made the firm decision to divorce (after mentioning it to him several times to no avail). He FINALLY got diagnosed. Severe adhd. What a surprise. Took it as his ultimate excuse and thought it changed everything (a bit like your partner / now that I have a diagnosis I have the perfect justification to do nothing). He lost it when he realized it didn't change anything in my decision.

Now I am 42, with three kids. Basically undateable. I chose a much lower pressure career path to be able to cope so divided my salary by half. I theoretically owe him half of our assets even if they are only from my work. I wish I had never met him. Only saving grace is my beautiful kids. However, I am starting to get a glimpse of life without a giant albatross around my neck and this is wonderful and freeing. You can't change the past but you can define your future, free of adhd bs.