These stories are so helpful to hear. I appreciate the validation. I have OCD on top of the anxiety and for nearly a year I’ve been suffering from the morning attacks some of you describe — and the sickness. For me the sickness is in the stomach, not being able to eat, but having to eventually in order to take all my meds (without getting sicker from them on an empty stomach). So many traps. I have brain fog from the night time meds. Then I need caffeine and adderall in the morning to wake up. Then more meds and supplements. And depending on how anxious I am when waking up I may or may not be able to exercise or get to work. I’ve lost or quit at least three jobs because of this. It makes employers think I’m — shifty, flakey or untrustworthy or just plain weird. Getting help has been a nightmare because of the overloaded mental health care system. I go from having massive anxiety, paranoia (not like aliens w probes coming for me but more like, questioning myself, wondering if I left that door open or stuff like that). Then I have people who are after me for real accusing me of things I did not do (for real) and so now I’m broke because of lawyers and not working so it’s just loop of crap.

I appreciate hearing from those of you who found a way to get new work that is less stressful. I thought I wanted to do one thing that I’m actually really good at, but the work triggers all these ocd patterns and triggers anxiety. So, my equivalent of managing the golf course to working for a spouse or someone or doing something less likely to trigger me is my current goal along with therapy and doing what the doctors say (within reason). I don’t want to be a human pin cushion or Guinea pig. Been there and done that.

I am always looking for audio books, books or videos to help me and to help tune out intrusive thoughts. All the therapist does is tell me to exercise and get a hobby. Good advice but hard to do when I can’t even get out of the chair. I’ve considered cutting to maybe give me a adrenaline spike but I am too wimpy and have such a low pain tolerance. Maybe hot peppers. Or smelling salts. Cold water and I are already old friends from having the heat turned off so many times and camping so that doesn’t do it any more.

So thanks to those who share honestly and aren’t trolls or “pull yourself up by your bootstrings” or Teddy Roosevelt fanatics. I would gladly jump on a horse, swim myself to better mental health or jump rope til I was a blissful fucking whirling dervish. Move a muscle change a thought? Which thought? There are so many.