I'm confused, currently. I grew up in an atheist, yet traditional Texan household. Very unique upbringing. My parents are natural libertarians (not "ron paul" libertarians) and so I had that growing up, too. And in many ways I respect that upbringing and I think that world view is very agreeable. I became communist after a year of reading the works of Mao, Stalin, and Lenin when I was 15. Later I read the essential Marx, but it honestly is kind of dull. I considered myself a staunch communist for many years. Lately, I've begun to rethink my views. I believe markets are the single greatest driver of progress, both social and economic. But I believe humanity as a whole must, some day, adapt a communistic society. It won't look like anything thought up by the great communist thinkers, but we will collectively move beyond the petty accumulation of material items, and the selfish motives of market economics. I don't know how or when it will happen, but inside I know it is inevitable, and that is a very good thing.
I still "believe" in communism. I believe in the correctness of Lenin, Mao, and Stalin, when compared to capitalist alternatives (in other words, "mistakes aside".) I think back to a world where there was a revolutionary alternative to capitalism, and even though I didn't grow up through that world, I consider it a great tragedy that that world is lost.
My problem is, I am a capitalist. I buy things I don't need. I value money and I like having a nice apartment. I have a hard to reconciling my opposing views; my communist ideology but my capitalist way of life.
These days, more than anything, I am a staunch anti-imperialist. I tell people that, and they say "yeah so am I," and I refute "oh, really? What do you think about the FARQ? What about Palestine? What about exploitative global trade? etc etc." I guess, to me, the "imperialist umbrella" is much more broad than it is for most capitalist. I really appreciate Stalin's model of "communism in one country." I think it is a more realistic approach to building communism in a capitalist world.
I think more than anything, the current state of communist makes me kind of nauseous. A few years back I went to a local communist meetup and I was one of the %10 of people there who didn't look like a freak. "Communism" is no longer about exploitation, proletarianism, and solidarity with the EXPLOITED groups in the world. It's a thing for hipsters and hipster-variations (SJW's, third-wave feminist, etc) to post on their instagram and make a fuss about. Communism has become a tool for white westerners to relieve their false sense of guilt from being born into a good life. It's just a joke these days.
I read all the time the writings from "Leading Light Communism" and I watch a lot of the Youtube videos from the Communist Party of Great-Britain(Marxist-Leninist), which I think goes by ProletarianTV on Youtube. I agree with these two groups and see them as some of the last refuges of true and open-minded communism. All I see around me in the communist world (in the West) is just hipsterdom, and I don't want anything to do with that
TL;DR, I still believe in communism, but I'm no longer really a "communist"