Honestly, things were pretty similar for me. I get 100% where you're coming from.
After years of thinking: 'it's just a fetish', imagining myself as my gf during sex, years of transformation/hypno/sissy fap-material, drugs and a steady spiral into abject alcoholism... The watershed for me was when I moved out and lived on my own.
The solution never seemed like a solution, and (apologies if I cause offense - it's just my personal opinion) I just couldn't truly get behind the whole thought of transitioning. It's just essentially cosmetic surgery, you just don't get the total gender reassignment that the fantasies provide.
But during one of my binges, I came across the tg stuff on here... and I saw people who had gone through the process and came out whole. And, on a whim, I bit the bullet, ordered some hormones and gave it a go.
The feeling... it felt right you know? For me it was just a 'fuck it, I need to at least try it'. I too was suicidal, I too felt like I was struggling to fit in as a man.. even though I enjoyed the 'manly' activities....
But, something in me clicked. I'd only been taking those pills for a month before I decided to go and have a chat about getting referred to a gender clinic. They sent me to a psychologist, and he said I sounded like I was trans. So, still not truly believing it, I went to a couple of other psychologists... and they all said the same thing.
Whilst the whole process was terrifying, and fuck me, it's scary. I just kinda settled with my decision. I'd been questioning for so long you know? And there had to be a reason I kept asking myself the same question and focusing on it so intensely. It was becoming more than just sexual for me, I started recognising all the mannerisms and tiny little things that had neem upsetting me over the years (afraid of trans people, afraid of the LGBT world, scared of even being associated with being 'soft').
Months of meetings, referrals n' stuff ultimately culminated in an 'interview' where they told me to go full time or receive no support. But, after taking those pills for so long (I never stopped once I started - I just felt more comfortable in myself) I bit the bullet and went with it. I wouldn't have done it, if I hadn't of tried it. No fucking way I was gonna go full time, I'd just be a guy in drag. ...But hormones make subtle changes at first, and I reached a point where it emphasised my softer aspects to the extent people were beginning to give me weird looks.
I'd never encourage doing what I did, you should never take medication without the appropriate supervision/support.
But I did. And, well...
I. Never. Looked. Back.
I'm becoming me now, and a year in after they gave the ok, I've blossomed.
Look, it's different for all of us.
But that's what happened, and worked, for me.
Only you know what's right for you, but it doesn't hurt to explore and research the area. I did, and made a rash, selfish decision. I didn't know what I'd find, but I was sick and tired of the depression and self-esteem issues. And honestly, I still don't know if I'll go for the full surgery, although I must admit I'm increasingly coming round to the idea... It's an emotionally messy business this whole 'trans' stuff.
I truly hope that you find the answers that have so far eluded you. And hopefully my rant was helpful.. lol.
But, you know ultimately, "Buy the ticket, Take the ride".