So to start off I’m not one of the people who goes around flaunting that they have anxiety or depression. That shit pisses me off more then anything because when someone who actually has it says they do no one takes them seriously because “everyone has it.” People think it’s cute to have a mental illness. I guarantee you anybody that actually surfers really doesn’t say anything let alone make a post on Facebook about it. Also I’ve never made a post or commented on anything ever about this, but I don’t know I felt like maybe I could help you out if you are struggling.
So let’s get started, I’m 20 I’m a Industrial Radiographer in Bakersfield California, but I work everywhere. My family lives in Idaho and that’s where I’m from. I moved here little over 3 weeks before my high school graduation (my school let me graduate early)
So to break it down I’ve always had anxiety since I was a little kid. I had really bad separation anxiety from my mother. My dad is a police officer. My parents ended up spitting when I was 7. So this is where it started going down hill.
My dad is the biggest hard ass you could ever meet. Like expects you not to make mistakes, and do everything perfectly the first time. He’s not good at showing affection but I know he loves me, sometimes it was just hard to see that.
So my mom turns into a raging alcoholic after they split and still is to this day. Not as bad now she is a high functioning alcoholic. So when I was little I never wanted to leave my mother, so I wouldn’t go to my dads and my new step family. But my mom was always away from the house we lived at with her boyfriend. So most of my childhood I raised myself. Like I said I had really bad separation anxiety from her.
Okay so enough rambling. At this point I’m a sophomore in high school. Normalish kid, I was a pretty big “nerd” I guess. I was really into Magic the Gathering and DND and other role playing games. So I kinda hung out with geeky kids. The crazy thing was though (not to try to brag) but I was a freak athlete. I was a running back and I started varsity my freshman year. So long story short I kill it my first 2 years of football. Everything is looking great. I had been offered a full ride at Montana State if I kept playing well. Arizona was also looking at me but I was kinda to young to tell what I was doing to develop into. I guess that’s kinda how they worded it. So long story sort a game one game before we head to playoffs I get tackled and fall on my shoulder wrong.I dislocated it, tore my labrum, fractured my glenoid, and tore my bicep off my shoulder. Boom just like that, one single tackle changed my life forever. No more sports, no more military. I was crushed.
But let’s fast forward because I don’t want to drag this out to long. I got introduced to Oxys after my surgery. I was hooked instantly. After I ran out of my prescription I started buying them. And I’m talking a lot of money spent. Well I couldn’t afford them anymore so I started stealing. I was so deep into it I broke into someone’s truck to steal a pistol. So couple weeks later I was going to sell this pistol. I’m riding in the back seat of this girls car with 2 other friends. My friends didn’t know I had a gun on me or actually how deep I was into drugs at this point. So me being a idiot I showed this gun to my friend Cody. He ends up pulling the trigger somehow. This thing goes off and almost blows the girls head of the we are riding with. I’m talking like less than an inch away. So no one says anything or calls the police but word gets around and the police get involved at school. At this point I ditched the gun in the river that runs through my town. I end up getting arrested for a little but pretty much just a slap on the wrists.
So at this point I lose all of my friends, and I’m talking everyone. I live in a smaller town so word gets around. Parents wouldn’t let there kids hang with me, teachers didn’t look at me the same. Hell I was even a stranger in my own home. I was and still am the biggest disappointment to my father. Could you imagine being a police sergeant and your coworkers arrest your son?
So fast forward again a few more months, it’s summer time. Still literally zero friends, I got D’s in all my classes that year. I’m a loner at this point. I take pills, drink, play video games and sleep. So one day I get more fucked up then usual. I decided it would be a good idea to kick in my neighbors door to ran sack there house. So it’s like 4 in the morning my dads at work, I go break into there place. (I know there gone on vacation) So there house is a gold mine. I’m talking more pain pills then I knew what to do with. So took all of those and they also happen to have a Glock 17 there and I take that to. So I end up going through the back door to my house. Meanwhile my dad is coming through I front door because he just got off of work. So he ends up catching me and calling the police department. Sooo I end up getting arrested again, missing all of my summer and my Jr year of highschool. I went to a juvenile prison and after that a rehab before I could go home.
Fast forward again. School starts and I hate my life. I tried OD’ing twice each time I woke up in a pile of my own vomit and shit. (Also OD’ing is not pretty, if you don’t do it right it hurts and someone will find you passed out probably with puke and shit all around. It’s not a good way to go) I also slit my wrists once really really bad. I knew it wasn’t going to kill me but I think I did it at the time as a cry for help idk I just wanted someone to pay attention to me.
But everything turns around when I met this girl named Arianne. The most beautiful girl you could imagine. Dude I’m talking drop dead gorgeous. She was a 4.0 student and going to college to take some classes while still in high school. We talk for about a month just about everything. We hadn’t even gone on a date or even talked about dating, we literally didn’t even hold hands and haven’t kissed. There was no affection between us besides this bond we had. She healed me in ways I can’t even explain. We end up dating and so on and we are madly in love. I would die for this girl and I still would to this day even though we haven’t talked in 2 years.
But long story sort she ends up cheating on me. I really don’t want to talk about it to much more but she was my rock and everything that was wrong with me she fixed. Because of my mental issues I verbally abused her and made her feel worthless. I didn’t realize it at the time but I projected years of neglect and abuse onto her that my mother did to me. If that makes any sense. But man I’m literally crying right now just thinking about it.
But I’m getting tired for typing so here you go this is how I get by. I live alone, I don’t go anywhere. I’m 2000 miles away from any family or anyone who knows me personally. I have major depression and anxiety. I can’t even go to the store without breaking down completely and having a full on anxiety attack. I don’t talk to anyone, and if I do it’s at work over the phone or through email. I work alone out in the oil fields mostly X-raying welds on pipes to make sure they are good to go.
But to cope with everything I stay home alone and I drink every single day. I cry a lot and that helps release some pent up anger and sadness. I’m literally just killing myself slowly with alcohol because I’m to much of a pussy to just end it right now.
And that’s how I live man. I come home get drunk and look at how much I’ve fucked my life up and ruined everything good that I ever have had. I’m probably just fucking insane at this point and I don’t even know it. You know man some people are just a waste of space and deserve to die and that’s how I feel about myself. Joseph Stalin said when his wife committed suicide in 1929 (because from the way he treated her) “this creature softened my heart of stone, she died and with her my last warm feelings for humanity” he then went on to kill 40 million people and probably didn’t even think twice about it. I know I’m going off track her and that probably doesn’t make much sense but I feel that in a way. He pushed her to leaving him and he just lost it.
But to make a long story short man I don’t live. What I’m doing is not living. All I am doing is dying inside and out. I won’t recover from this and in a way I feel like I deserve it. Life doesn’t get better for some people. And please anyone reading this, you never know what someone is going through. Try not to judge books by there covers