Hi All. To introduce myself, my name is Bell_Whiff (feel free to call me Whiffers, all my friend does) and I am here at the request of /u/wonderfuladventure to talk to you about the rampant homosexuality in football. I have been hired by /r/gay_soccer (on a very competitive fee and pension scheme) to conjure up a list of closeted homosexual footballers. Naturally I leapt at the opportunity and quickly submerged myself in this seedy underworld. Without further Freddy Adu, here is the list.
1) David Beckham. Overly styled, pretty camp and never married, David Beckham has been an infamous homosexual since the 1950’s and huge inspiration behind the Hindi film “Bender like Beckham”.
2) Sam McQueen, Southampton. He was born as Sam Mc but decided to add the “Queen” as a direct reference to the fact that he is a raging one.
3) Jermain Defoe. Jermain Debutthole more like (Pardon the pun!!1!). Never seen outside of the football pitch without a huge massive diamond in his ear (which represents his love of cock), Jermain is a style-child and was famously shooed out of Canada for being gay, eh.
4) /u/VyfePetitisKak who would consistently PM me pictures of his gooch on a daily basis until the mods stepped in to delete his account. He may return under another alias so keep your eyes peeled lads.
5) Diego Costa. He may look like a filthy sub-human mess of a man, and he is, but there is also a very tender side to Diego that is only seen by his life partner, Arsenal’s Gabriel. They famously had a “spat” which this journalist has on good authority that it was made up because the couple feared that their relationship was soon to be outed. All of you idiots fell for it too.
This wraps up the top 5, I’m sure that none of these particularly surprise you. Please don’t forget to upvote, gild and comment in the little box below with any additions and we’ll add it to our monthly newsletter. Tune in next week when /u/wonderfuladventure will be telling us all about his exclusive interview with Dennis Rommedahl on the history of Denmark.