(Sorry for the formatting I'm on mobile) It's unfortunate that I can relate so hard to this. My father isn't quite as bad as yours, but the way you described how your childhood happiness got robbed is something that I was trying to put into words for years now and was never able to. I struggled trying to describe it because it's so unbelievably painful emotionally that I was always at a loss for words. And I don't think I did myself justice when trying to explain it to others because no one was ever even able to comprehend a situation like this, I guess they're just lucky. My father is also a complete piece of shit. He also has a crippling disease(s), although he isn't dying from it unfortunately. He has chronic psoriatic arthritis among other things like a genetically fucked up neck. He always used to use his chronic pain as an excuse to yell at me and my mom and throw his little temper tantrums. It was really bad back when he had is government job and, just like you said, every day I thought he was just going to snap and murder me and my mom. That childhood stress ended up giving me my anxiety and depression disorders and PTSD. I don't want to downplay your own experience, but at least your mom seems okay from what you said about her. My mother is a delusional narcissist and she always (and still to this day) excuses his behavior by saying: "He had a bad childhood" or "He's in a lot of pain". I could go into the specifics of why they're so perfect for each other in their own fucked up way but I don't want to write a book here lol. I also think he, at the very least, molested me. I don't remember too much because I'm 99.99% sure I was drugged, and I think what happened is that one day I grew a tolerance to whatever he was giving me and I remember him.. doing things I'd rather not share to me (because I didn't pass out like I normally did, sorry if that wasn't clear). But because I remember that I'm starting to remember everything else that I repressed about my childhood, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I hope you don't mind if I show my therapist bits and pieces of what you said about childhood happiness getting robbed from you because you said it better than I can explain it. But if you ever want to talk with me about this stuff we can DM and talk about it. I don't think I can help psychologically but I know from experience that someone who is willing to listen is life changing. I was like you before I met my best friend, I was very suicidal and depressed and generally just fucked up. But she listened to me and I got a lot off of my chest, even if she couldn't relate. I've gotten so much better mentally because of her and I'm no longer suicidal. I don't know how to end this novella so...Have a nice rest of your day!