Now

But last we communicated, you’re waiting and you love me…

I promised I wouldn’t reach out until my head was straight, so here I am.

I know several things about me that I’ve learned from our time together. Including:

• I try to buy respect, when in reality it’s only earned. • • When you are unreasonable, I should ignore you and move on with my own agenda • • This is my life, anyone who comes to me with nothing rides on my path • • Trust is earned, as is respect • • Fail to demand respect and you’ll never have it, fail to respect trust and you’ll never keep it • • Respect and trust are built on actions, not words • • Your challenges and problems are yours, as are mine – helping you with yours is as wrong as you not helping me with mine; both show a gross lack of respect for boundaries • • I deserve and demand a healthy, regular sex life with someone I am compatible with • • Open and honest communication is the vocabulary of trust • • I’ve disrespected us by staying in this relationship for long after I was unhappy and tolerating your growing anger toward me • • We cannot continue using the tools we’ve used in the past, if there is any hope here • • I love and respect myself enough to walk away from this relationship the moment it feels like we’re entering another cycle like we’ve endured • • I love you and will always want the best for you, but never again at the sole expense of me or my goals (in other words, I’m going to have some self-respect) • • Neglecting my physical and health needs makes me less attractive to you and others • • Ensuring I’m attractive to others and maintaining my own goals and self-respect is key to attracting people who will enhance my life versus use it to their own gain • • NarcGF means the world to me and I love her with every fiber of my being and it scares me because I should run away as this meets none of my other criteria • So what does all that really mean? I know, I’ve put a lot out here because I wanted to document EVERYTHING from my perspective. As you know, I feel discussion with you is useless. Everything gets disregarded, twisted or changed to ultimately be my fault. I admit that it’s a cop out to refuse to discuss this and instead type out a novella. I know of no other way to communicate with you constructively where the full context of my thoughts and feeling can be expressed.

We are over. We can never go back to where we were, and if you want to – you’re fucking nuts.

I love you and in my heart believe in you, but my brain tells me that there is no point in trying anymore. (Now does it make sense? My heart and brain are struggling for control of my life) You are still all I can think about, all I want, my vision of happiness. Against this backdrop I don’t know why.

So, if you want what you say you want… Marriage – here is the path I am willing to accept babe. These are non-negotiable. One slip up and I check out, until we build a solid bank of trust. Going forward I will respect myself enough to not tolerate behavior that in the past damaged us. My acceptance of your disrespect was my mistake as your man. I will not make the same mistake again.

So here’s the timeline, I hear you loud and clear on what you want – but I’m getting what I want too:

Immediately

• You will go back on medication prescribed to you as we discussed in June, you said you’d fix everything and have done nothing to show me you will – this is 100% absolutely non-negotiable and I will demand proof on a regular basis • • We’ll establish consistent days we will see one another so we can each have consistent expectations, any changes need to be communicated in advance • • We’re free to see one another as much as we want until it distracts us from our goals, being together is a benefit of reaching our goals – not a goal unto itself • • I will focus on my growing substance abuse problem and commit to being more present in our relationship • • We’ll both exchange find my iPhone’s - anytime it gets shut off for > 45 minutes is a statement the relationship is over • • Complete and transparent access to the other’s online accounts – Facebook, email, texts, etc. At anytime, upon request. We will not exchange any passwords to ensure no one interferes with the other • • We’ll exchange good morning’s and good night’s by text. Absence of such is reason for concern. • • We will meet our commitments to the other, if we say it we will do it. If not we will be apologetic will a complete justification for why we failed. • • We’ll respect the other’s feelings regarding the need to hear from the other and do so in a reasonable time period, if one of us is upset overnight the other should respond in the morning ASAP • • We’ll respect the other’s feelings about too much communication, and give space when it’s needed (note: an attitude isn’t notification we need space, from either of us) • • You will acknowledge when I extend a courtesy, pay for something or go out of my way for you or those you care for – this mean saying “thank you” without sarcasm or being asked • • We will both accept there will be times the other is right, that we are wrong and that determining that isn’t what matters – making the other feel better is what builds trust and mutual respect • • If you cannot afford the trip here and back, you’ll ask first. If you’re uncomfortable doing that, then don’t come but be prepared to explain why. Your problems are not mine. • • I will start to lift and go to the gym • 6 Months Out

If we can successfully rebuild our trust in one another and stop this cycle of insanity, there is a path to what you say is the point of this time we’re investing in the other – to be together again. Building on everything above, after my lease ends I can see us living together again…

• We routinely discuss our feelings and settle disagreements through discussion, we can talk and the results leave both of us feeling good about the interaction • • We have a strong and healthy sex life that we both enjoy and feel confident in • • We both accept that the other is faithful and there’s no evidence of emotional or physical infidelity • • We both feel we have the truth, the complete truth on an ongoing basis • • We can tell the other about faults they have in an effort to improve themselves • • Both of us engage in routine physical activity to lengthen our loves and improve our sex life • • We both agree our substance abuse issues are not a significant issue in our relationship • • We can depend on one another, they will do what they say • • We comfort the other routinely when the other is upset, we also call them out when they need to stand up for themselves and own they issues • • We are making progress toward our goals • • We haven’t had a major argument or incident of our old behaviors in >4 months • If we can do all this, if you’re ready to improve yourself – then we can certainly find a place together and I’d even consider moving back up there (but that’s a seismic shift for us both to improve ourselves…).

1 Year – 18 Months

If we don’t fall into the same old patterns that we’ve used to live our lives for the previous 34 years… NarcGF, if we’re happy and shit is fair and I live in a way you’ll respect me and you show me I mean something to you? I will 100% marry you.

• We trust and respect one another • • Our personal goals are well in progress and we’ve accomplished at least two • • We almost never argue, instead choosing to discuss • • We’ve started therapy to undo the damage we’ve experienced as people • • We’ve stopped smoking, I do not want to watch you die or vice versa • • We’ve continued to be active • • We both see/communicate with our kids on a regular and ongoing basis • • Neither feels the other is keeping “secrets” • • We’re best friends who can turn to the other for anything • But yeah, I’m asking you to change the personality I’ve known for two years. That’s not fair. But I know that I have to change me or I’ll be doomed to be miserable forever. My issues are my responsibility. To look to you for validation and self-esteem gives control of me to someone else and that is the foundation of all my issues. Recognizing that, your issues are yours and not my responsibility. I love you and Child3 and Child1 and Child2 – but they are not my kids and won’t be until we get to a wedding.

Now back to you, NarcGF…

So thanks, I hope you read all of this. I tried very hard to not rage and lay things out as I saw them (all I can do) and pepper in my own opinion, trying to be sure I recognized that this is only my view of us.

The context was important because in a window, either of us can look insane. Not until you look at the whole enchilada do you see where my weakness caused you to lose respect for me and treat me in really terrible ways. We’re both at fault and both love the other. This I believe.

But I also know we’re doomed to destroy the other if things don’t fundamentally change. These are the situations that result in terrible crimes of passion and people doing things they can never take back. So you asked me to think about what I’ve done, and did… in gory detail and then documented it. I know I missed pieces and chose not to put in quotes from texts, pictures or anything else to make this seem like I’m angry with you or blaming you. We’re broken and have no hope if things don’t change.

So, I know what you got…

The real question is what you REALLY got?

I miss you and will always cherish you, hell I crave your body like nothing ever. I promise and swear to you that I have been emotionally and physically faithful to you since June. I know you say the same, but I don’t know what to believe anymore and at this point it doesn’t matter.

Are we worth you making yourself a priority understanding that the only way to get what you really want isn’t to fight for it, but to make yourself the best you can be?