December 2014
Given my feelings on being in the car with you, and my continuing decline in job performance, I said I wouldn’t go with you to FL for your December court date. By now, I really didn’t care what you did or who you did it with – as long as we weren’t so miserable together. You left and went to court. Stopped at a hotel on the way back – coincidence or strange twist of fate???
Every interaction between us was hostile, or insignificant. You came home, did laundry and worked. Intimacy was non-existent. You were making promises to pay on the electric, your car needed work, had to go to court, never had any money, was always working.
When you returned, and this is only my opinion – I have no proof of this, a man knows when his girlfriend of two years has been with someone else. I won’t go into details, but that encounter stands out in my mind as one where you were mentally somewhere else, and only with an incredible amount of physical stimulation would you to climax. True or not… Our relationship had come to a point where I could think this of my partner. There was no trust or love. I started reading extensively about what we were going through and my contribution to it. Now I became very, very angry.
I had only managed to survive, but was no closer to getting my license back, I was routinely broke, my partner was aggressive and hostile toward me and I’d lost any feeling of trust after all this time. I was miserable, my work was getting attention for timeliness, memos from the management company of the building were showing routinely, you were hostile with building staff, I couldn’t speak to you about anything… Sure maybe I’m challenging to live with, maybe I get angry and send extensive missives like this one, but after all I’ve outlined in this summary of “us” – I deserve more than that when I give everything. In early December I started to realize that not only were we making one another miserable, but you were also starting to jeopardize everything I’ve worked for since 2008. That’s completely unacceptable to me. The feeling was identical to the days before you left in April. Something had to be done. I knew there was no solution involving your willing participation. We didn’t communicate; I paid a $300 penalty for late rent because we couldn’t coordinate – hidden envelopes and stamps. I paid it, and thanked you profusely for bringing me to pay it.
I started to push back, stand my ground and not consider your feelings. From here on you were something to deal with, any resemblance to the woman I first met, saw in the hospital, pulled up in front of my building or who proudly made me dinner were replaced by the Narcissist you.
Plans were up in the air until almost Christmas Eve. I couldn’t make any plans to see my son as I know how difficult my ex is. Of course, given the state of our relationship, as a responsible father I wanted him nowhere near the relationship implosion I was watching in front of my eyes.
I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone. I’ve spent many alone, but it made me chuckle. No tree. No time together. Just you and your focus on what you wanted. Never mind that you had spent so, so much more time with your kids that year. You treated me like an asshole, but I recognized it and planned a final stand-off to see how far you’d really pulled away from me. I wondered how little respect did you actually have for me? The game was on – we were in the final stages of my doormat phase.
Because of my lack of trust, I’d long stopped informing you of my finances and was fairly well positioned for Christmas. It was amusing to watch you scramble while I looked on detached. After a while I stopped telling you anything, and after a few months when you’d ask I’d give you some non-descript answer. I feel like you use things I tell you in arguments against me, right or wrong – I feel that way. This eroded your trust in me. I understand that. But going back to reality versus words – once I stopped telling you I had money and stopped paying for everything, I finally had some cash in the bank. Last time that happened was when you were gone over the summer.
I’d been told how much I didn’t care, how awful I was, how I talked in circles, how overly sensitive I was, how I had all the issues. Nothing I needed mattered and anything you wanted was the priority. I played along in the grandest sense.
We were fighting, a lot. I started to pull away from you and you didn’t care, only got more angry when you did see me. I ordered you a purse from Rome you’d pined for since June. I made the mistake of telling you so and you took any feeling of happiness that purchase would have given me away. I’ll always remember that in your eyes I fucked that up too, so much you told me so angrily when I was thrilled to do something for you. See – we were broken and I was rewarding you again for checking out of the relationship? How could you respect me?
Your children had a wonderful Christmas at my expense. I bonded with them and was thrilled to finally meet Child3 after all I felt I had tried to do to help him. I surprised you too, twice. But knowing that we were going down in flames, I decided to attach a gift to “us.” One that I knew you wanted, but one you’d lose if we broke up. Predictably you asked me about the status of the gift if we broke up within the hour. I consider any future of us in the light of your actions, not your words.
At first, it was a nice time. Quickly it devolved into every other day we had spent together recently. You working and focused elsewhere, ignoring anyone who loved you while you did your thing. I was happy to support Christmas with your kids after what you had done for me and my family. After a few days it became obvious, they were stuck here with whatever you brought home the day before to eat unless I ordered something. In short order they slept all day and hung out smoking all night. My office space, that was nothing more than a store room, turned into a den. Your children are much more exposed to the world than my son is, good or bad. Do you recognize that a 20yo man with a 16yo girl having sex in my apartment, under my watch is essentially consenting statutory rape? While no one was being coerced into anything, that was yet another huge exposure that you never even considered. Again from my perspective at the time, I’m giving everything and only seeing greater risk and angst for my efforts.
I committed to myself that while we were together I wouldn’t snoop again after August, I no longer cared. I kept that commitment to myself, but I also made sure that I kept my finger on the frequency of communications between you and NSupply2. I’ve learned, when you casually disrespect me it’s because you’re getting attention elsewhere. So yes, I knew when, how long and how often you spoke to and texted NSupply2, but I never knew any content.
By now I only asked you questions I knew the answer to in order to assess your level of dishonesty. You consistently lied to me about contact with NSupply2.
In early January I had taken no vacation, had my routine disrupted for a few weeks, lived with someone who visibly disliked being with me and was falling further into my own problems at work and with my emotions. Anything I had done for Christmas had been forgotten and we sparred every single night. I no longer believed anything you said. On roughly January 2nd you told me you thought Child3 was staying here, with us. No discussion. No consideration for what I wanted. I now know you knew that much earlier and simply failed to tell me. Ultimately you sent him home with Child1 in the car she bought while she was here.