I (F) was about to get engaged to my male partner, but went off the deep end when I realized how much I missed relationships with women and suddenly couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my one and only life without being with one ever again. Now I’m feeling stuck. I’m terrified of losing him. I can’t imagine not having him in my life every day, but I also don’t want to look back at our time together in however many years and regret it and end up feeling resentful. An open relationship that allows for just sex with women doesn’t sound fulfilling enough to me. I need emotions. I’ve given polyamory a thought, but my self esteem is nonexistent, so I don’t really feel worthy of even just one partner let alone multiple. And I have a lot of doubts about him being happy long term if we were to try that. I don’t imagine he would accept me doing any sort of life planning with another. I’m a fucking coward and too scared to make a decision, so I’m frozen while our relationship deteriorates around us. The guilt for having the feelings I do is crushing me. I feel like I can barely breathe most of the time.
I have no friends or family around as support, which is mostly my fault. I let my mental health get so bad that all of my relationships faded away over time. I make people feel sad just by being around. Upon running into people I used to spend time with, they immediately tell me that I look distant and empty. My depression and anxiety have been getting out of hand. My coworkers (since they’re basically the only people I ever see or interact with) treat me like I’m fragile, which is especially embarrassing because I’m in a supervising role and am supposed to have it at least a little bit together and be someone they can look to for guidance. Instead I find them trying to hold it together and take of things and me when I can’t do it.
I hate my job. I can’t quit because I’m the breadwinner and I make decent money for something that requires no skills (good because I have none). I’m too exhausted mentally and emotionally to develop strong interests or have hobbies. I feel like I don’t know anything about myself. I have no clue what I would be doing even if I could do literally anything.
I think about dying a lot. I’ve been trying to convince myself to do therapy, but keep failing when I get too frustrated. I have a huge amount of anxiety around doing it over the phone or through video for some reason. And just imaging the finances around it makes me feel sick.
There’s other problems, but I can’t think clearly enough to write them out.
Covid definitely didn’t help anything…