I'm glad things have picked up for you, and hope they continue to do so. It takes a lot of courage and guts to get back up after you've fallen to the lowest place you can and I really respect that.

Let me tell you a little bit about my background. 5 years ago my life wasn't too bad. I owned my own car, still lived with the parents but I was working 2 jobs and saving up money. Had a little drinking problem but what 21 year old doesn't get plastered every now and then. Then my foot started really hurting and was getting worse. I learned that it was a stress fracture and it put me out of work for 5 months while it healed. I didn't have a lot saved up at the time so I blew through that pretty quick and was relying on credit cards until my unemployment money kicked in. Didn't do much on my time off, still went out with friends and stuff but the bad habits were starting to form. Went back to work, shortly after my foot started hurting again. Turns out my steel toed boots had a piece that was crooked and pressed against my foot every time I wore them. Ended up quitting that job, was off work for another 8 months. Started to drink alone a lot, ate the same amount of food as I did working 2 jobs so I gained weight. Continued to rack up debt from credit cards. Decided to go back to school and live on my own but by then I was consumed by binge drinking, I was drinking every other night, usually 12 beers or 26oz of liquor. Worked a bunch of different jobs , most of them were terrible so I'd jump from one to the next. The anxiety made it really difficult. Some nights I didn't have enough money for food so I'd go to bed hungry. It was the lowest point in my life, I was 80 pounds overweight, heavily addicted to alcohol and had about 20k in debt from credit cards and student loans.

About a year ago, 2 years since I hit rock bottom things had been going a lot better. I lost the weight, paid off about 8k from my debt, quit drinking and had a few grand saved up just in case. Since then my anxiety has increased and my depression is worse. This year was supposed to be sort of a transitional year where I'd work a steady job, save up some money and try to get back to school for maybe a trade or something like that. Well I haven't been able to save anything due to hour cutbacks at work, I've looked into getting another job but there's not much out there for someone with no degree. Been trying to go to the gym as well but it's hard to have any motivation for that when I might be dead in a few months. My lease is up in August and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can sign on for another miserable year but the place I'm staying at sucks, I'm renting a room in a house and my roommates are loud and obnoxious. My credit rating is in the toilet so it's really difficult to get approved for another place. I only got this one because a friend of mine works for the renting company.

So to summarize I hit rock bottom, I tried to work my way back and had hope for the future, but that came crashing down once again. I'm just exhausted. Growing up my parents and friends always told me how smart I was and how I'll go on to do great things. How I have all this "potential". When that didn't happen my parents would say "you should've done things this way instead" like that makes a difference now. Every time we had dinner together when I was a teenager it ended up being them and my younger sister telling me how I'm not doing things right, how I'm not taking school seriously, how I need to think about my future and at first I'd defend myself but eventually I gave up and responded with "I don't care anymore" anytime they brought it up. Eventually that just became my attitude for everything. Every time I fail not only am I super hard on myself for failing but I hear their voices berating me too. Not caring makes it easier to deal with that. The only winning move is to not play. My plan is to give it one last good shot to see if I can get out of this, I was going to pay off my debt and if I still felt like ending my life, so be it. It's my fault for being stupid with money so I don't want anyone else to pay for my mistakes. Beyond that, I don't know. There's no desire to get married, have kids (what if they turn out like me), have a stable career, grow old, leave behind a legacy, none of that interests me.

I will look into those resources, thanks again for the kind words and sorry for the long post.