I could have written this. I'm diagnosed with Complex PTSD. A lot of my childhood abuse was around my overt femininity and coming out as a girl so young. Which was perceived simultaneously by those around me as freakish and weak. I came out around 4 or 5 years old. At home and at school it was reinforced daily and traumatically how fucked up I was for all these things; and it turned into the only way I could "live" in this world was to be stronger and harder than everyone, bury deeper than anything my gender identity and my sexual orientation, show no emotion (for fear they'd show my gender identity), and for fear I'd feel abandonment for being "weak." The abuse internalized a galactic amount of shame surrounding these things. Which is hallmark signature of CPTSD. I was originally a Fawn, but I learned to become a Fight/Fawn hybrid to survive.

So I can tell you, you writing this is a sign of strength. It takes considerable strength to break these molds some of us have been put into. Your uncontrollable tears are a sign that you need help. The feelings of shame you feel over this are not from you but from someone or something else, and the reality is there is no shame in showing emotion, there is no shame in being vulnerable. I understand completely why you feel the need to write this. You're braver than me. I've always put on the strongest veneer for asktransgender, and while I've told people here some of the things from my past, they have no idea how I feel about them.

Do you have a therapist? This is beyond what the internet probably can help you with. This is beyond what I can help you with, because this is similar to some of things I'm getting help with. Albeit, I don't know if you CPTSD or were abused, but still, I spoke up because I could relate to your post. Reaching out for help, or showing vulnerability are two the hardest things for me to do. To say I have trust issues is an understatement. I literally see all people as predators and I'm constantly hypervigilant. With the exception of my life partner, even those who say "I love you" I believe could turn on a dime and cut my throat. Which has only ever reinforced the need for me to be stronger than everyone. Which in turn has reinforced the shame over feeling "weak."

Hugs <3