I mean I'm not too bothered by my grades, but the real kicker is that I'm so behind on actual experience and resume-building. Completely messed up my REU applications last semester, and the two that I didn't were both canceled due to covid. This semester, I was rejected for a research position, was rejected for a writing tutor thing, lost out on several other opportunities thanks to my shitty memory and overall lack of discipline...
Yes, this is all my fault. But I'm really starting to question whether I really do have to power to change. I mean, this is kinda just how it's always been for me. I fuck up, decide to be better, immediately relapse. Rinse and repeat for my entire academic career. For every year of school from 4th grade all the way to now, I can give you multiple concrete examples of this type of shit, of me sabotaging myself time and time again.
I'm just tired, y'know? I'm really reaching the end of my tether here. Tbh there's a hell of a lot more that I want to say, but I've dropped this wall of text already, so yeah, I'll stop bothering you lol.