Dear Child I never had,

I'm (not) sorry you never got the chance to permanently disfigure me with the whole birth process thing. You never got to barf, poo or snot bubble all over everything. I'm quite sad, no really... that you never had the chance to keep me up all night with shrill crying and demands for sucking lifeforce directly from my chest (yay females!). I'm just so sad I never had to baby proof the house by getting rid of most of my favorite sharp,fragile,or heavy things.

I'm sorry you never had those destructive years. I know you were looking forward to painting the house with lipstick stolen from my purse, stuffing peanut butter in the PS4, and picking the cat up by its tail.

I'm sorry I never had to make you a sack lunch and get you to school on time. I know you were really looking forward to wrinkling your nose up at its nutritional values and tossing it entirely. Sorry about that. Also very sorry about all the extra sleep i've gotten, I know that must really annoy you.

I never got to hear you mutter about how your friends have things that YOU don't have. I'm sure once you got the same things, you would have played with them for at least an hour before tossing them aside. I'll never get to experience your ungratefulness as you drain my sanity, my lifespan, and my money reserves.

You'll never have the opportunity to be at the core of every domestic squabble I have with my mate. We would have both blamed each other for your rottenness, but it probably would have been the grandparents that REALLY spoiled you, and there wouldn't have been little we could do about that short of telling Papa & Nana where to shove it. But they'd probably still give you things, and sneak you off to church against our wishes while at it, so you could really annoy us by reminding us of how we're going to hell. Quite a shame that we'll miss that one.

I'm sorry I never had to deal with your potential failings (such as poor grades in school, stupid career choices, and teen pregnancy). I'll never get to wonder what your problem is as you develop poor political preferences, or adopt retarded radical ideas.

I'm sorry I never had to make you tap your feet impatiently as you wait for me to die when I get old and decrepit so you can get your inheritance a little sooner for that new car you wanted. I'm sorry you never got the chance to sell off all my worldly possessions once I'm gone, for a quick dime in a estate sale. So sad... so sad.

No love, ME