I'm so scared of pregnancy. And birth. And parenting.

The physical body changes of pregnancy are lumped under my deep fear of body horror. The thought of having a baby grow in me is on the same level of fear and disgust I felt watching the end of Akira.

I'm not stable mentally... I'm better than I was, but I'm so fragile. Sometimes I cannot even take care of myself and have to overly rely on my partner... I don't want to be the mom that never gets out of bed or doesn't care for her child.

I'd probably have to go off my depression and anxiety meds, which would be catastrophic in itself.

Birth horror stories also land under body horror and I can hardly listen or watch stores about birthing.

I'd want to do it right, I don't want to be another parent that doesn't know how to be there for their kids... How would I even keep my 9-5 and not burn out instantly on work and parenting?

I'm still healing from my own childhood trauma, I'd be so afraid I'd project onto my kid or as mentioned prior, be emotionally and physically unavailable to them.

I also recognize part of it is also my selfishness (positive). I've spent my whole life living for other people, I've only just started living for myself and I'm not ready to give it up yet. I don't even care, I'll admit I'm not strong enough to have a kid, I've used that strength just to be here today.