the thing with ALL cheating is that everyone just assumes the cheater is a scumbag.
The reality is always far more complex. I don't think there is anything that makes cheating moral or ethical. So don't confuse it. I don't make excuses - but... you can have an understanding of a situation without excusing it.
People are not naturally monogamous. That's problem number 1. I think some more easily adapt to social conditioning more than others. No two people are 100% sexual compatible or remain sexually compatible through their relationship. That's problem number 2. So sex... and the emotional connection derived from it - no matter how sweet or perverse it is - takes work, takes compromise.
If one person falls off and becomes unresponsive, treats the wanting partner like a pervert, or someone who "always has it on his/her mind", if excuses are constantly made about "headaches", problems are bound to happen.
It's been my personal experience the more i don't get in my /r/deadbedroom, the more i want, the more perverse my fantasies become and the less likely my wife is to act on any of them. As she ages, she grows increasingly insecure in her abilities (i've never insulted them, even by accident) to be on top, to give a handjob, to give a blowjob. She's gotten insecure about her weight. I've even given her a free pass to play iwth other people as long as i'm kept in the loop and nothing. She's cold as ice. She says things like "i don't know how to be sexy" and "i don't dirty talk" As we've aged, and i just don't walk inthe door with a hardon - she does'nt know what to do. She thinks i don't want her anymore. she doesn't do foreplay, she thinks my hardon is 100% my own responsibility, she doesn't like making out b/c it feels childish, she verbally mocks things like BDSM, group sex, acts like girls who squirt are "gross", gets an attitude whenever we have tried to watch porn together, acts like all erotic literature is stupid, doesn't like any sex toy we've ever tried, and refuses to wear any number of lingerie outfits we've bought over the years b/c she feels insecure in them.
While i realize insecurity is yourself looking at yourself - and projecting that through others (your partner), I can't make her see without divulging private porn habits she wouldn't be happy with - that i love women all ages, shapes and sizes and can see beauty in that. And with her i see it even more so b/c she's hte person i love.
I've been on the edge of cheating for 3 years. I've attempted to numbers of times and i keep backing out. I can't fathom hurting my best friend and someone i love so dearly. But that loyalty makes me feel trapped. As if the only way i can find solace in my sexual needs is to be an awful human being.
My wife is not alone in this. And this sex worker isn't far off from the assumptions she makes about a lot of wives. I've seen too many women, experienced first hand and read too many stories of women who just.. don't let go, who stop connecting, who stop trying, who start to care more about nesting, shopping, family planning, getting that "perfect" end table to bring together the living room more than anything else. They stop trying to turn on their partner, they act like their partner's advances are annoying, when asked to do things they find every way possible out of it. Too many couples become like that couple in American Beauty, where the guy is just jacking off in the shower and everyday that's the highlight of his day. it's all down hill from there.
They guy tries to get in shape, take better care of himself, dress nicer, take on more chores around the house to decrease her stress and it never comes back around. it doesn't work. YOu just keep trying and trying, showering her in compliments, taking her out someplace nice, trying to connect with her on an emotional level - and you might have deep conversations, you might get cute baby talk back and forth, professions of love for one another...but do all of that and still not a drop of passion in return? It's hard. It's really hard.