2 yeas past I’d mutually split with then GF.  We were BOTH IN LOVE, but I foolishly could not commit b/c I was hugely attracted to OTHER WOMEN. That has since HUGELY diminished.  I try to forgive myself.
 Almost immediatelyafterwards, I began fooling around with other women (which She doesn’t know - and, may falsely believe that not enough women are attracted to me, even repelled by me  - this a half truth…but, see below!)   Indeed I’m desired by and attracted by a large share of desiragle women.  But, with them I’d felt utterly empty.   
After fooling around with several women and dating a few other, and meeting many more - It was became clear that her personality was unique and extremely difficult to match
       I am in love with her.  AND SO, ceased dating 6 months ago after fooking around and dating.
        Until about a a year ago She’d previously HUGELY.  Not Now it seems. 
I changed professions and, though in my early 40’s my parents were/are helping to support now since I changed. professions!  It is only just now that that is changing 

since I began going to school again tor my new career. My self esteem has has been fine for the most part, though She is unaware of my new aspirations (I’m not citing this as an excuse) However, frequently when She’s seen me (which has been almost excclussivelyat dances) I’ve behaved lecherously/desperaly/needily towards other Women - which She has witnessed! Additionally, we both share a hobby where we dance frequently. While she has become one of the best dancers in my area - and must not go elsewhere to find ppl with whom to dance she considers my dancing second rate.
This is unfair since I truly am one of the best male dancers now in our vicinity, she doesn’t (again, see below) - though not consistenly at the level with whom (in my dance which is tango we dance a group of 3 or 4 songs at a time, followed by a break) b/ce it was unjeyoble. This is rare and demonstrated low status. She witneessed a ‘high’ me discontinue dancing a group of songs ro 3 to 5 2 women over 3 night. This is humiliating and rare. I believe 2 these issues combied caused her respect for me to PLUMMET. She too danced with me then, and it was not completely obvious obvious to her - but I was mediocre or poor in my dance with her. She believes Others who began before me have far surpassed me in dance, which was very importand to us both. That has surely caused my self-esteem to plummet when She sees me at dance. When we’d met we loved dancing together and She respected my abiltiy to dance and improve 2 weeks ago, She refused to dance with me which She’s never before done. I was humiliated and practally wanted to die. She GREATLY loved and respected me at the time of our break up, but I do not think She does now because of the behavior She’s witnessed over time at dances and how she behaves towards me. My birthday is about to occur, and hers just a few days after that. She does not attract a large number of men I believe, b/c though modelisquly beautiful, she has a small chest. She called me the past 2 years, but now may say something or nothing. I was considering of informing her that for my birthday (which is just a few days before her) my wish I wish to forget -which I suppose is 30% true. I seek guidance.