Hey there. Sorry to hear you are having such a tumultuous time with your interpersonal relationships. First, have you ever engaged in therapy with a good clinician? From someone who is in the field, it sounds like you could benefit from being able to speak to someone objectively. It is too difficult with the short narratives you provided about your most important current relationships to know whether it's you seeking out the bottom feeders in the fish bowl, whether you're overly sensitive, or whether you are unable to maintain close relationships with others.

I'm going to start with your dad. Formative relationships are integral in how we attach to others. You say he might have NPD with some alcoholism? Has he been an alcoholic since you were young? Having a parent with NPD and alcoholism means it is likely he was unable to model healthy emotional behaviors, or be able to provide language to help you articulate and understand your emotional experience. But, also know that many of us have challenging childhoods and come out ok, so you aren't necessarily damaged or wrong in the way you feel. At this point, I would try to love him for who he is, and not expect any miracles, as your relationship is unlikely to change.

As for your wife, you complain that she lashes out at you constantly and puts many demands on you. Are you an active or passive participant in this marriage? How do you react to these demands? Have you ever just set a limit with her and said 'nope?' Dynamics continue and are reinforced when two people assume a complimentary role. Looking at the consequences to her making a demand is likely the most simplistic way of viewing it (think behaviorism). If you acquiesce, she's going to continue to ask. Have you always been unable to have a deep emotional connection with her or was one present before and is now gone? What were the circumstances around your early relationship with her? Was she more domineering from the jump? If you and her had a deep emotional bond at one point, then it's possible to rekindle it if she's willing to meet you halfway. If not, it's really tough to establish fresh. It’s hard when you’ve been married and the dynamic has been reinforced. Since you’ve only been married a few years, there’s more hope than say, if you’ve been married for 25 years.

Finally, your INFJ friend. I read your previous post regarding your deep and intimate connection with her, and it sounds like she's disappointed you greatly. Are you concerned that you're looking outside of your marriage for intimacy, wondering if you are giving up on your wife only to move onto someone else who might just end up making you feel just as disconnected? What are your expectations like of others? It sounds like your relationship with your INFJ was surreal, almost perfect from the way you described it. Perhaps you had her on a pedestal, and now she's just acting like a damn human, ruining all the magic ;-)? (I mean that in a loving way; tons of us do that, including myself). It also sounds like she means a lot to you. Have you really had a heart-to-heart with your friend about feeling distant emotionally? If you have had this dynamic before, then you both are clearly capable. I would take a deeper look at situational stressors impeding on your relationship. You wrote that she's been through some shit lately, could that be taking her energy? We're not our best when we're under stress, and our old defenses tend to rise to the surface. Could she be afraid to attach to you emotionally? I mean, you are married. How does she understand your current relationship with your wife? Have you been completely forthright with her? Because if you're hiding how you really feel (and maybe for good reason), then she likely can’t trust you fully. I mean, you’re an intuitive INTJ, so you know how it feels when someone is trying to hide something. When us INFJs sense a discrepancy between someone's words and actions, no matter how justified, we get confused. For me, when things are discrepant, I tend to look at actions because those are more heart-centered, and just ignore words. But when we sense that discrepancy from others, we immediately know there's something being hidden. How we approach that depends on how we feel. When an INTJ senses a discrepancy, what happens? Are you more likely to feel disappointed?

Let me give you a personal example that might be helpful because our situation isn't that different. I'm in love with someone who is in a committed relationship (don’t judge). I think he feels the same about me, but he has assured me that he won't leave this woman despite his terrible relationship with her. And, because of my feelings for this man, I'm going through a divorce because I'm not in love with my husband (and haven't been for a very long time). Now, while I love this man, and we have an incredible bond, he is not leaving this other woman. We are literally best friends and I share with him things I don't share with anyone else, and I believe he does the same. Ultimately though, I am fearful of over-investing myself only to be hurt down the line. And because of my impending divorce, I'm feeling especially vulnerable right now, and all my defensive behaviors and horrible insecurities are rising to the surface. So, in response, I've been pulling back from him. I wait for him to make the first move, because when he does, it confirms his investment. I'm also afraid of making him feel trapped by burdening him with my own needs like his current partner does to him. So, I am quiet. But if he were to ask me or be more upfront, I would be completely honest with him. Perhaps he's waiting for me to do the same thing.

Good luck, and sorry for such a long-winded response. Your story overlaps with mine, so I think I've over-invested myself.