Me and Jane have been together for 9 months. She has been cheated on in the past, and has serious jealousy issues as a consequence. Our relationship has had a lot of challenges,
9 months is too soon to already have had a lot of challenges. 9 months is still the honeymoon phase. Plus her having serious jealousy issues going into the relationship isn't a good sign either.
Jane started to become jealous of Hanna, believing she had a crush on me. At one point, I mentioned Hanna’s name and Jane completely lost her shit
Is there any reason, other than Jane's own self insecurities, for her being concerned about your relationship with Hanna? Do you and Hanna have a flirty friendship or has there ever been an incident?
That was all 6 months ago.
So this all happened only 3 months in!? Shit, you should have ran then.
...Jane suddenly turned off the radio and said “I’m just going to say it. I saw Hanna texted you last night and you told me you had deleted her number and I’m still upset that you didn’t invite her to your going away party so that I could get over my jealousy about her.”
You told your girlfriend you deleted Hanna's number months ago. In Jane's mind, you no longer talk to Hanna. You stopped talking to your platonic friend Hanna because you are scared of your girlfriend which isn't a sign of a healthy relationship. You were caught keeping your friendship with Hanna from Jane which makes it seem like there is something more than friends going on. From Jane's point of view you are being shady. Her saying she needed Hanna to come your going away party to get over her jealousy issue doesn't make sense. Jane's jealousy issues are HER OWN PERSONAL ISSUES, she needs to work on that with a professional.
historically, Jane has a tendency to immediately take a VERY combative tone, it’s almost.. venomous. When we get into any sort of a tense conversation, her attitude and temper flare right away, while I remain calm up until a point. Once my patience runs out, I blow up. Essentially, she has a habit of verbally “pushing me” until I meet my threshold, and then I snap and push back HARD, and she feels like a victim.
This is really fucked up, I would say she's borderline emotionally abusive you by manipulating you like that. She's combative and mean then acts like you were the bully. She doesn't know how to argue like an adult. Do you know if she is already seeing a therapist, taking medication, grew up in an abusive household, or has a mental illness?
I felt my defenses go up, since I had done nothing wrong, but took a deep breath and started to calmly respond. Jane then cut off my sentence, and immediately erupted into her venomous tone. I did my best to keep breathing, and also asked her to calm down, but she wouldn’t stop. I tried to help ease her concerns by explaining why I hadn’t invited Hanna to my going away party, and Jane just kept growing more upset, interrupting me and totally disregarding what I was trying to say, blaming her jealousy on the fact that I hadn’t given her the chance to tackle it by inviting Hanna to my party, and accusing me of lying about deleting her number from my phone.
Seriously this isn't healthy...
I'm feeling very uneasy about the whole interaction. I shouldn't have to be scared that my girlfriend is going to blow up because a friend texts me something kind. I'm feeling hurt that I have to reassure my girlfriend that she can trust me when I have done NOTHING wrong, and her jealousy is unfounded.
You are right you shouldn't be walking on eggshells. If what everything you've said is true then your girlfriend is basically looking for problems and people to be jealous of.
Do I owe Jane an apology? What should I do?
Fuck no. Just get out. She's controlling, manipulative, and scares you. I wouldn't be shocked if she goes through your phone and online accounts when you aren't around. No one deserves to be treated like that. Don't wait until it gets worse. She needs to work on her personal issues before she goes into another relationship.