So long story short one of my BFFs when I was in my 20s was a very feminine gay man. We lived in an ultra liberal ultra accepting city and I was with him almost every day- he was consistently be convinced that strangers were “giving him dirty looks” “talking about him” etc. and if someone for some reason didn’t like him or snubbed him in some way it was always because “he’s gay” but as the none gay person in the situation who didn’t have emotional baggage from being bullied for being gay as a kid I could see that he was either misinterpreting the situation or just overly defensive assuming people would dislike him because of how he looked and acted.. Anyway I think your husband has something like this going on/ he is approaching all people or all society as racist and therefore sees slights everywhere he goes even from a toddler who I seriously doubt was being racist. Maybe it’s residual trauma or maybe he really just had anger issues but if it’s possible I think he needs therapy honestly and he needs to be able to recognize his behaviour is toxic and inappropriate not to mention dangerous if someone said that to my kid… dead.