I could have just as easily believed I’d written this. I grew up playing solo games, mostly as a kid. Mario kart, f-zero x (when I could rent it) and crash 2 were my earliest favorites. I stuck with PlayStation and Nintendo for the next generation and loved every minute, playing similarly styled solo adventures. Most of the kids in the neighborhood wouldn’t play with me because I was black, so I stayed in and played things that made me laugh like ratchet and clank. Or racing games. I probably liked racing because you didn’t have to be somebody to be first.

When the PS3 was too expensive, we got an xbox for Christmas . We didn’t get xbox live until later. I’d never played online with people before that. But I ran into the problems I used games to escape. I wasn’t always good with dealing people, I always assumed people hated me. I internalized that for almost my whole life, to the point my reaction time to things was less than most people’s if I got anxious.

tl;dr I wasn’t good at FPS-style games bc the speed and intensity didn’t mix with my overthinking. And that was the only way I bonded with anyone outside my football teammates. When I found league in college, it was more about the types of people I met playing it. I saw myself in them. But even way after I’ve forgotten most their names I’m still playing this god forsaken game everyday.